|Concept of time having passed, discombobulation, sensitivity to sun and fluorescent light, no sense of direction, these are just a few of the problems facing any reanimated corpse. So, why add the frustration of a language barrier to their already existing obstacles? We ZILFers are here to provide you with the basic communication skills to ensure that you will be a functioning participant in the apocalypse. We hope that you find the zombie dictionary of valuable use in the days ahead.|
|Naaarrgghh||My name is….|
|Narghh?||What year is this?|
Common Zombie Terms and Phraseology
|Naarrgghh-gggh||Please, do not be afraid. I mean you no harm.|
|Narggaghh-arr-Naarrrghhh?||I am a stranger in these parts. Might you direct me to the nearest interstate or public road?|
|Narghh? Naarghah||What is that rotten smell? Oh, it is me. I must apologize.|
|Naarrgghh-nargh-naarghhh-naaarg||Despite not having a working digestive tract, I am surprisingly famished.|
|Naarrgghh-nar-naarg||I find you very appetizing. Sorry, I meant appealing.|
|Narrghaaghha||This hole in my head makes everything sound like a wind tunnel.|
|Naaarrghhh? Naarg||Has anyone seen an eyeball? No, it’s a blue one.|
|*sigh* Narrghhar||*sigh* These tattered clothes will be the death of me yet.|
|Naaaaaargh||I’m dying for a cigarette, but I have an inherent fear of fire.|
|Naarghh-nar-narrg-naaaaargh-naraaag||I was lumbering by and paused a moment to pet your dog. I’m wondering if you could convince the little scamp to return my left arm.|
|…Narrggggh-nargg-||…And so the second zombie says, ‘That rotting flesh is your wife!’ Gee, I sure do enjoy that joke.|
|Naaarghhh? Narrg!||Wait, sushi is just raw fish? That’s disgusting!|
Phrases For Dating
|Nnnnarrrrghhh||The dirt from the cemetery really brings out your eyes.|
|Narghh-ghh-narg…||You look good enough to eat. Not literally, of course. Well, actually…|
|Naaaarrgghh-nnnar||There was a time when champagne used to go to my head, but now it just drips onto the floor.|
|Naarggh? Naarh||Do you mind paying? I was buried without a wallet/purse.|
|Nargh-narrrrrg||I would like very much to kiss you, but I only have one lip.|
|Naaarrrrrg…narghhh||Before we go any further, I should tell you…I have earth worms.|
By JESSE SLATE, Zombie Associated Press Writer – Mon Oct 5, 11:12 am ET
TALLAHASSEE, Florida — Tempers are growing on both sides of the latest setback for zombie / living relationships, as various groups are vying for official ownership of the term "ZILF."
The notorious acronym, a variation of the term MILF (Mom I’d Like to — followed by the obscene ‘F’ word), is under fire recently as zombie lovers have claimed the term for themselves, in an apparent coup d’etat against the previous owners of the ZILF mantle.
"It’s awful," said Bree Pendergast, outside the ZILF headquarters in downtown Tallahassee, FL. "I honestly can’t think of a worse group of lowlifes to represent the Zeds." She turned to gesture to the people standing behind her, each wearing some combination of stripes and lingerie. "We like f****** zebras, and they like to f*** us. We can’t make it any more black and white than that."
"Zombies are not people," said another member of ZILFs for the World. "They gave up the right to have this name when they died. End of story." The man stepped back into the headquarters / stable and closed the door behind him.
ZAP – Deputy Hendricks leads an injured Zebra from the
Z.I.L.F. Compound in downtown Tallahassee, FL
Zombie enthusiasts have come out in large, shuffling hordes to protest this unified declaration against their group. "UrrrrRGrrrr," sounded one corpse, gesticulating to the sky and striking his neighbor repeatedly. "RRRRrrr…"
Similar responses from the live half of the zombie crowd were directed at the Zebra lovers, as well as other ZILF groups who have also come out against the undead association. "Look, we’re tired of the Zebra, Zoologist, Zander, Zopilotes and Zamboni lovers trying to push out what is obviously the largest ZILF group. We have the entire dead population behind us, and they still want to restrict the term to striped asses from Africa…"
The Zebra Zilfs interrupted by pushing towards the speaker, screaming with rage. "They are Unicorns!" shouted Ms. Pendergast, tears rolling down her cheeks. "They are beautiful, hornless Unicorns!"
Emotions are unlikely to die down after today’s announcement that the ZILF headquarters in the Florida town is being closed by the SPCA for ungulate abuse. The zebras were led away to the nearby metro zoo, looking tired and somehow relieved.
"This is crazy," said a bystander, witnessing the protest signs and shouting matches. "I haven’t seen this kind of uproar since the GILF battles in 2006; you had all these Grandparents and Goats running wild in the streets." He shook his head and gazed soberly at the police cars just arriving on the scene. "I don’t think the city can take another year of this."
As anticipation grows for the day when all can and will be loved, it is easy to lose track of a large portion of the population who, for whatever reasons, are childless for reasons beyond their control.
Be it a matter of reproductive health, accident, or economic hardship, it is a difficult road to travel when you see other families walking through the park with their strollers and bags of handiwipes and cheerios snacks. Happy, gurgling babies fill their parent’s lives with happiness while you watch in despair.
Despair no longer. For it is a known fact that zombiism can affect all humans, be they adult, child, or newborn. Because of this, you can have something the others cannot: an eternal baby.
Think about your child growing up, learning to walk, tearing down your new curtains, spilling juice on your white carpet. As a teenager, they would steal your car to go joyriding, or worse. These are inevitable times for all parents. Except you and your zaby: You’ll be swaddling your rotting bundle of joy for years to come.
But the question is: Where to find the right Zaby?
Many bereaved parents of lost infants prefer to bury their child near other children, as a way for parents to greet each other and feel comfort in the presence of other bereaved parents. This touching and effective method has an unexpected benefit for those searching for their new bundles of joy: this cuts down on search time as there will be many zabies to choose from within a few feet of each other, a veritable buffet of unconditional love.
After you have rescued an infant to your liking, be sure to have the swaddling blanket available immediately to keep the squawking, slowly struggling un-baby from damaging itself. It is highly recommended that you not wash the body with water, but softly stroke the dirt away over a few weeks’ time, after which, a healthy layer of scotch guard is a valuable addition to any ensemble.
Carefully place the child in a basket, valise or dufflebag, and once you have safely left the cemetery grounds, drive home to your new life with your eternal zaby.
Of course, nature is what it is, and nothing is eternal, especially flesh that has already begun the process of rot. For that reason we recommend you gather a few more unbabies whilst at the cemetery, for future use. 2 or 3 should suffice for several years of enjoyment, keeping them fresh in a meat locker or large freezer until their predecessor sloughs off its mortal coil for good. (NOTE: We do not condone hoarding, and while it might seem a good idea at the time, keeping 12 or more undead babies is an extremely greedy and unseemly act, and should be avoided / reported at all costs.)
As you begin your new life with the newly un-lifed, don’t hesitate to bring your child out to the park, to proudly show how your love knows no bounds or ‘morality’ or ‘taste’. But be sure to do it at a park far away from the cemetery — meeting the biological parents of your new zaby can lead to uncomfortable situations.
MYTH – Zombies are the walking dead spat out by Satan from the bowels of Hell.
FACT – Zombies are human just like the rest of us (except that, at one point, they died), but who have now been reanimated due to apocalyptic circumstances beyond their control. In no means spat out by anyone, reanimated corpses will come from a number of places, including morgues, hospitals and your local graveyard.
MYTH – Zombies want only one thing: to kill and eat our flesh.
FACT – Like all of us, whether that is an omnivore, vegetarian or zombie, our eating habits do not define who we are. And like all of us, zombies merely want to fit in, to be allowed to pursue their interests and become productive members of society.
MYTH – We saw this documentary where zombies attacked a group of humans and then ate them.
FACT – That was actually just a zombloitation film and not something that ever took place in real life. We suggest filmgoers not be so easily swayed by everything they watch.
|MYTH – Zombies threaten our livelihoods by taking our jobs at lower wages. FACT – In an attempt to earn their own way through their new life, zombies will of course want to work, mostly menial labor. This is only the beginning, however. The zombie integration into our society will pose exciting new opportunities:
MYTH – Zombies spread diseases that we’ve never heard of.
FACT – There is no proof of anybody dying from a zombie-related illness. Zombies themselves are incredibly resilient and are immune to most airborne disease and STDs. Additionally, over 99% of reported cases of zombies suffering from leprosy or flesh-eating bacteria have been proven to be gross misdiagnoses.
MYTH – What ZILFage advocates goes against all Christian ideals.
FACT – Many Christians will be among those ZILFs coming back to life. In order for your statement to work, these reanimated Christians will have to go against the love they’ve been taught in order to be completely loathing and prejudicial against their very selves. As they are still God’s children, it is believed that ZILF Christians will know to honor, respect and love themselves. On the flip side, since guilt and hatred of self is strictly a byproduct of Catholicism, most reanimated Catholics will flog themselves often and with great vigor.
MYTH – Relationships between humans and zombies are unnatural and lead to pedophilia, incest, bestiality and polygamy.
FACT – We advocate all healthy relationships between two consenting adults, whether that be gay, straight or reanimated corpse, none of which have ever lead to a decline in America’s moral global supremacy. If it feels good, do it.
MYTH – Zombies are lumbering masses of brainless ghouls.
FACT – Most zombies will be able to swing a hammer, flip a hamburger patty and dance the latest craze. Lacking much of the fluids and organs of humans, zombies can be wonderfully light and therefore be perfect dance partners for competition and performance.
MYTH – Zombies are the living dead.
FACT – Zombies are corpses that have been reanimated to be our peers and equals.
MYTH – Zombies are all slow.
FACT – While its true zombies will never be the Olympic runners you see on television, most are agile enough to keep up with a leisurely paced walker or battery-powered mobility scooter.
MYTH – Zombies smell disgusting.
FACT – Zombies smell differently than you or me, not because of the rotten of the flesh, but from the fact that their glands are openly exposed to the elements. We all smell like this on the inside, but some of us have the luxury of skin tissue, while others do not. Zombie culture does not dictate the use of perfumeries or colognes. Instead, zombies are about the beauty of the natural self. By their very nature, zombies are incredibly earthy.
MYTH – Zombies are most likely to eat our children.
FACT – Cannibals are most likely to eat your children.