The dead rising from their grave is not merely some Hollywood plot concocted by filmmakers with small budgets, nor is it a boastful claim used by voodoo priestesses during Bayou ceremonies. No, the dead rising has been prophesized for as long as the written word has existed. The following are cited as examples.
1. The Bible
When most people think of the Christian bible, they don’t think of fear mongering, an irrationally vengeful God or reasons why sex is a bi-product of Satan. Yet, within these pages of loving thy neighbor and selling thy daughter are two telling passages:
“Thy dead men shall live, together with my dead body shall they arise. Awake and sing, ye that dwell in dust: for thy dew is as the dew of herbs, and the earth shall cast out the dead.”
“The sea gave up the dead that were in it, and Death and Hades gave up the dead that were in them, and each person was judged according to what he had done.”
Chilling, isn’t it? There is not a single person who can disprove these hardened, scientifically viable claims.
I don’t think anyone can dispute the eerie accuracy by which this man has predicted the history of the world. Like his contemporaries on Fox News, Nostradamus predicts the end of all things good and decent and he has not been wrong yet. That said, we offer the following:
Century 10 verse 74
The year of the great seventh number accomplished
It will appear at the time of the games of slaughter
Not far from the age of the great millennium
When the dead will come out of their graves.
This is the man that accurately predicted all three anti-Christs: Napoleon, Hitler and, of course, President Obama. From his predictions regarding sporting event outcomes to his uncanny ability to predict marketable fast food trends, no one can deny Nostradamus has been correct about it all.
3. Man In Top Hat At Corner Near Liquor Store
Most of us disregard what they say as “ramblings of a crazy person” or the “prattling on induced by a six year crank high”, but, in doing so, are we doing ourselves more harm than good? How many movies have we seen where someone goes in time to warn others and they are ignored by those they are trying to save? Those doomed masses on-screen that we shake our heads at and judge for being so narrow-minded are no more ignorant and rigid than we are in real life. So, when Top Hat man says to us in his, “I’ve seen the future, they’re comin’. Them zombies is comin’ fer ya,” now we listen, now we try to understand. Isn’t it possible, nee incredibly likely, that one of these so-called life’s discarded are in fact just as sane as you or me? The answer lies in the following question:
Q: If you were to travel back in time to warn others of the zombie apocalypse, what would you wear?
A: Naturally, as any sane individual would, you’d don a top hat. If you’re going to save the world, you’d want do it with some class, right?
|Concept of time having passed, discombobulation, sensitivity to sun and fluorescent light, no sense of direction, these are just a few of the problems facing any reanimated corpse. So, why add the frustration of a language barrier to their already existing obstacles? We ZILFers are here to provide you with the basic communication skills to ensure that you will be a functioning participant in the apocalypse. We hope that you find the zombie dictionary of valuable use in the days ahead.|
|Naaarrgghh||My name is….|
|Narghh?||What year is this?|
Common Zombie Terms and Phraseology
|Naarrgghh-gggh||Please, do not be afraid. I mean you no harm.|
|Narggaghh-arr-Naarrrghhh?||I am a stranger in these parts. Might you direct me to the nearest interstate or public road?|
|Narghh? Naarghah||What is that rotten smell? Oh, it is me. I must apologize.|
|Naarrgghh-nargh-naarghhh-naaarg||Despite not having a working digestive tract, I am surprisingly famished.|
|Naarrgghh-nar-naarg||I find you very appetizing. Sorry, I meant appealing.|
|Narrghaaghha||This hole in my head makes everything sound like a wind tunnel.|
|Naaarrghhh? Naarg||Has anyone seen an eyeball? No, it’s a blue one.|
|*sigh* Narrghhar||*sigh* These tattered clothes will be the death of me yet.|
|Naaaaaargh||I’m dying for a cigarette, but I have an inherent fear of fire.|
|Naarghh-nar-narrg-naaaaargh-naraaag||I was lumbering by and paused a moment to pet your dog. I’m wondering if you could convince the little scamp to return my left arm.|
|…Narrggggh-nargg-||…And so the second zombie says, ‘That rotting flesh is your wife!’ Gee, I sure do enjoy that joke.|
|Naaarghhh? Narrg!||Wait, sushi is just raw fish? That’s disgusting!|
Phrases For Dating
|Nnnnarrrrghhh||The dirt from the cemetery really brings out your eyes.|
|Narghh-ghh-narg…||You look good enough to eat. Not literally, of course. Well, actually…|
|Naaaarrgghh-nnnar||There was a time when champagne used to go to my head, but now it just drips onto the floor.|
|Naarggh? Naarh||Do you mind paying? I was buried without a wallet/purse.|
|Nargh-narrrrrg||I would like very much to kiss you, but I only have one lip.|
|Naaarrrrrg…narghhh||Before we go any further, I should tell you…I have earth worms.|
As anticipation grows for the day when all can and will be loved, it is easy to lose track of a large portion of the population who, for whatever reasons, are childless for reasons beyond their control.
Be it a matter of reproductive health, accident, or economic hardship, it is a difficult road to travel when you see other families walking through the park with their strollers and bags of handiwipes and cheerios snacks. Happy, gurgling babies fill their parent’s lives with happiness while you watch in despair.
Despair no longer. For it is a known fact that zombiism can affect all humans, be they adult, child, or newborn. Because of this, you can have something the others cannot: an eternal baby.
Think about your child growing up, learning to walk, tearing down your new curtains, spilling juice on your white carpet. As a teenager, they would steal your car to go joyriding, or worse. These are inevitable times for all parents. Except you and your zaby: You’ll be swaddling your rotting bundle of joy for years to come.
But the question is: Where to find the right Zaby?
Many bereaved parents of lost infants prefer to bury their child near other children, as a way for parents to greet each other and feel comfort in the presence of other bereaved parents. This touching and effective method has an unexpected benefit for those searching for their new bundles of joy: this cuts down on search time as there will be many zabies to choose from within a few feet of each other, a veritable buffet of unconditional love.
After you have rescued an infant to your liking, be sure to have the swaddling blanket available immediately to keep the squawking, slowly struggling un-baby from damaging itself. It is highly recommended that you not wash the body with water, but softly stroke the dirt away over a few weeks’ time, after which, a healthy layer of scotch guard is a valuable addition to any ensemble.
Carefully place the child in a basket, valise or dufflebag, and once you have safely left the cemetery grounds, drive home to your new life with your eternal zaby.
Of course, nature is what it is, and nothing is eternal, especially flesh that has already begun the process of rot. For that reason we recommend you gather a few more unbabies whilst at the cemetery, for future use. 2 or 3 should suffice for several years of enjoyment, keeping them fresh in a meat locker or large freezer until their predecessor sloughs off its mortal coil for good. (NOTE: We do not condone hoarding, and while it might seem a good idea at the time, keeping 12 or more undead babies is an extremely greedy and unseemly act, and should be avoided / reported at all costs.)
As you begin your new life with the newly un-lifed, don’t hesitate to bring your child out to the park, to proudly show how your love knows no bounds or ‘morality’ or ‘taste’. But be sure to do it at a park far away from the cemetery — meeting the biological parents of your new zaby can lead to uncomfortable situations.
We at ZILF realize that we are among a small (but ever-growing and unarguably more progressive) school of thought in regards to what many refer to as the Zombie Apocalypse. It is commonly perceived as a big scary time when humanity will have to fight for its very survival…yadda yadda yadda. Sorry to all of you Pessimistic Pete’s out there, but some of us tend to look at the brighter side of things. We like to think of our "zombie apocalypse" not as empty of hope, but as full…of love. If you’re unsure of your own thoughts about zombies, we offer the following quiz to help you get a handle on what your views may very well be.
1. You’ll know the apocalypse is beginning when…
A) the living dead rise and begin to devour your loved ones
B) you see the reanimated embracing their former loved ones
2. When you see a zombie coming toward you, you should…
A) run for the nearest shelter and barricade yourself inside
B) check your hair and think of a clever introduction
3. Your biggest foe will be…
4. Your best weapons are…
A) guns, clubs, whatever is handy
B) open arms, an open mind and education
5. Zombies only want one thing and that is…
A) to kill you and eat your flesh
B) to be loved and accepted
6. If a zombie enters your home, you should…
A) keep shooting, until you’re out of ammo
B) make pleasant conversation, until you’re out of topics
7. If you see a zombie staggering around your neighborhood, you should…
A) call the local militia to kick some zombie ass
B) call the local French restaurant to reserve a table for two
8. If a zombie bites you, you should…
A) panic because it means you’ll become a zombie, too
B) proudly show off your zicky to your friends
9. A zombie on the rampage can only be stopped by…
A) a bullet directly to the brain
B) offering a sympathetic ear
10. A zombie is…
A) the ultimate evil
B) a friend you haven’t met
If you answered A to any or all of the preceding, you are a product of the media and have been brainwashed by the fiction that masks itself as entertainment. However, if you answered B, you are open-minded and are not afraid just because something is new or different.
So, how did you fare?
MYTH – Zombies are the walking dead spat out by Satan from the bowels of Hell.
FACT – Zombies are human just like the rest of us (except that, at one point, they died), but who have now been reanimated due to apocalyptic circumstances beyond their control. In no means spat out by anyone, reanimated corpses will come from a number of places, including morgues, hospitals and your local graveyard.
MYTH – Zombies want only one thing: to kill and eat our flesh.
FACT – Like all of us, whether that is an omnivore, vegetarian or zombie, our eating habits do not define who we are. And like all of us, zombies merely want to fit in, to be allowed to pursue their interests and become productive members of society.
MYTH – We saw this documentary where zombies attacked a group of humans and then ate them.
FACT – That was actually just a zombloitation film and not something that ever took place in real life. We suggest filmgoers not be so easily swayed by everything they watch.
|MYTH – Zombies threaten our livelihoods by taking our jobs at lower wages. FACT – In an attempt to earn their own way through their new life, zombies will of course want to work, mostly menial labor. This is only the beginning, however. The zombie integration into our society will pose exciting new opportunities:
MYTH – Zombies spread diseases that we’ve never heard of.
FACT – There is no proof of anybody dying from a zombie-related illness. Zombies themselves are incredibly resilient and are immune to most airborne disease and STDs. Additionally, over 99% of reported cases of zombies suffering from leprosy or flesh-eating bacteria have been proven to be gross misdiagnoses.
MYTH – What ZILFage advocates goes against all Christian ideals.
FACT – Many Christians will be among those ZILFs coming back to life. In order for your statement to work, these reanimated Christians will have to go against the love they’ve been taught in order to be completely loathing and prejudicial against their very selves. As they are still God’s children, it is believed that ZILF Christians will know to honor, respect and love themselves. On the flip side, since guilt and hatred of self is strictly a byproduct of Catholicism, most reanimated Catholics will flog themselves often and with great vigor.
MYTH – Relationships between humans and zombies are unnatural and lead to pedophilia, incest, bestiality and polygamy.
FACT – We advocate all healthy relationships between two consenting adults, whether that be gay, straight or reanimated corpse, none of which have ever lead to a decline in America’s moral global supremacy. If it feels good, do it.
MYTH – Zombies are lumbering masses of brainless ghouls.
FACT – Most zombies will be able to swing a hammer, flip a hamburger patty and dance the latest craze. Lacking much of the fluids and organs of humans, zombies can be wonderfully light and therefore be perfect dance partners for competition and performance.
MYTH – Zombies are the living dead.
FACT – Zombies are corpses that have been reanimated to be our peers and equals.
MYTH – Zombies are all slow.
FACT – While its true zombies will never be the Olympic runners you see on television, most are agile enough to keep up with a leisurely paced walker or battery-powered mobility scooter.
MYTH – Zombies smell disgusting.
FACT – Zombies smell differently than you or me, not because of the rotten of the flesh, but from the fact that their glands are openly exposed to the elements. We all smell like this on the inside, but some of us have the luxury of skin tissue, while others do not. Zombie culture does not dictate the use of perfumeries or colognes. Instead, zombies are about the beauty of the natural self. By their very nature, zombies are incredibly earthy.
MYTH – Zombies are most likely to eat our children.
FACT – Cannibals are most likely to eat your children.