Citations and Proof of Coming Zombie Apocalypse

October 8, 2010 by  
Filed under Citations and Proof, Culture, Top Stories

The dead rising from their grave is not merely some Hollywood plot concocted by filmmakers with small budgets, nor is it a boastful claim used by voodoo priestesses during Bayou ceremonies. No, the dead rising has been prophesized for as long as the written word has existed. The following are cited as examples.

1. The Bible

When most people think of the Christian bible, they don’t think of fear mongering, an irrationally vengeful God or reasons why sex is a bi-product of Satan. Yet, within these pages of loving thy neighbor and selling thy daughter are two telling passages:

Isaiah 26:19
“Thy dead men shall live, together with my dead body shall they arise. Awake and sing, ye that dwell in dust: for thy dew is as the dew of herbs, and the earth shall cast out the dead.”

Revelation 20:13
“The sea gave up the dead that were in it, and Death and Hades gave up the dead that were in them, and each person was judged according to what he had done.”

Chilling, isn’t it? There is not a single person who can disprove these hardened, scientifically viable claims.

2. Nostradamus

I don’t think anyone can dispute the eerie accuracy by which this man has predicted the history of the world. Like his contemporaries on Fox News, Nostradamus predicts the end of all things good and decent and he has not been wrong yet. That said, we offer the following:

Century 10 verse 74
The year of the great seventh number accomplished
It will appear at the time of the games of slaughter
Not far from the age of the great millennium
When the dead will come out of their graves.

This is the man that accurately predicted all three anti-Christs: Napoleon, Hitler and, of course, President Obama. From his predictions regarding sporting event outcomes to his uncanny ability to predict marketable fast food trends, no one can deny Nostradamus has been correct about it all.

3. Man In Top Hat At Corner Near Liquor Store

Most of us disregard what they say as “ramblings of a crazy person” or the “prattling on induced by a six year crank high”, but, in doing so, are we doing ourselves more harm than good? How many movies have we seen where someone goes in time to warn others and they are ignored by those they are trying to save? Those doomed masses on-screen that we shake our heads at and judge for being so narrow-minded are no more ignorant and rigid than we are in real life. So, when Top Hat man says to us in his, “I’ve seen the future, they’re comin’. Them zombies is comin’ fer ya,” now we listen, now we try to understand. Isn’t it possible, nee incredibly likely, that one of these so-called life’s discarded are in fact just as sane as you or me? The answer lies in the following question:

Q: If you were to travel back in time to warn others of the zombie apocalypse, what would you wear?

A: Naturally, as any sane individual would, you’d don a top hat. If you’re going to save the world, you’d want do it with some class, right?

ZILF Facts vs. Myth

August 15, 2009 by  
Filed under Culture, Facts Vs. Myths, Top Stories

MYTH – Zombies are the walking dead spat out by Satan from the bowels of Hell.
FACT – Zombies are human just like the rest of us (except that, at one point, they died), but who have now been reanimated due to apocalyptic circumstances beyond their control. In no means spat out by anyone, reanimated corpses will come from a number of places, including morgues, hospitals and your local graveyard.

MYTH – Zombies want only one thing: to kill and eat our flesh.
FACT – Like all of us, whether that is an omnivore, vegetarian or zombie, our eating habits do not define who we are. And like all of us, zombies merely want to fit in, to be allowed to pursue their interests and become productive members of society.

MYTH – We saw this documentary where zombies attacked a group of humans and then ate them.
FACT – That was actually just a zombloitation film and not something that ever took place in real life. We suggest filmgoers not be so easily swayed by everything they watch.

MYTH – Zombies threaten our livelihoods by taking our jobs at lower wages. FACT – In an attempt to earn their own way through their new life, zombies will of course want to work, mostly menial labor. This is only the beginning, however. The zombie integration into our society will pose exciting new opportunities:

  • zombie re-education managers
  • zombie translators
  • zombie life coaches
  • zombie-centric shops and boutiques
  • zombie lobbyists and rights advocates
  • zombie employment placement
  • …and much, much more.

MYTH – Zombies spread diseases that we’ve never heard of.
FACT – There is no proof of anybody dying from a zombie-related illness. Zombies themselves are incredibly resilient and are immune to most airborne disease and STDs. Additionally, over 99% of reported cases of zombies suffering from leprosy or flesh-eating bacteria have been proven to be gross misdiagnoses.

MYTH – What ZILFage advocates goes against all Christian ideals.
FACT – Many Christians will be among those ZILFs coming back to life. In order for your statement to work, these reanimated Christians will have to go against the love they’ve been taught in order to be completely loathing and prejudicial against their very selves. As they are still God’s children, it is believed that ZILF Christians will know to honor, respect and love themselves. On the flip side, since guilt and hatred of self is strictly a byproduct of Catholicism, most reanimated Catholics will flog themselves often and with great vigor.

MYTH – Relationships between humans and zombies are unnatural and lead to pedophilia, incest, bestiality and polygamy.
FACT – We advocate all healthy relationships between two consenting adults, whether that be gay, straight or reanimated corpse, none of which have ever lead to a decline in America’s moral global supremacy. If it feels good, do it.

MYTH – Zombies are lumbering masses of brainless ghouls.
FACT – Most zombies will be able to swing a hammer, flip a hamburger patty and dance the latest craze. Lacking much of the fluids and organs of humans, zombies can be wonderfully light and therefore be perfect dance partners for competition and performance.

MYTH – Zombies are the living dead.
FACT – Zombies are corpses that have been reanimated to be our peers and equals.

MYTH – Zombies are all slow.
FACT – While its true zombies will never be the Olympic runners you see on television, most are agile enough to keep up with a leisurely paced walker or battery-powered mobility scooter.

MYTH – Zombies smell disgusting.
FACT – Zombies smell differently than you or me, not because of the rotten of the flesh, but from the fact that their glands are openly exposed to the elements. We all smell like this on the inside, but some of us have the luxury of skin tissue, while others do not. Zombie culture does not dictate the use of perfumeries or colognes. Instead, zombies are about the beauty of the natural self. By their very nature, zombies are incredibly earthy.

MYTH – Zombies are most likely to eat our children.
FACT – Cannibals are most likely to eat your children.