ZILF Dating Do’s and Don’ts

September 11, 2009 by  
Filed under Advice & Tips, Dating, Dating Do's and Don'ts

ZILF Dating Do’s and Don’ts
Emma Balmer

Like job interviews, first dates can be incredibly stressful. There’s a self-imposed pressure to perform well, a need to make that great first impression, not to mention the volumes of unspoken rules. Unspoken rules change with each individual, but there are a several that can be seen as golden rules, ones that everyone should keep in mind. If you are fortunate to find yourself on a first date with an attractive ZILF, here are a few DO’s and DON’Ts that will help make that date the first of many.

General Etiquette

DO be relaxed and at ease. Zombies are influenced by the demeanor of others.
DON’T be uncomfortable. Zombies can sense fear and are prone to rampage.

DO dress up like you’re coming home from your high-paying, executive job.
DON’T dress as though you’re coming home from your job at the slaughterhouse.

DO compliment your date on his/her appearance and choice of attire.
DON’T bring attention to the fact that they are still wearing the clothes they were buried in.

At A Restaurant

DO tempt your date by showing off your knowledge of regional dishes.
DON’T tempt your date by showing off your recent MRI.

DO suggest one of your favorite dishes.
DON’T suggest they try the all-you-can eat entrails bar.

DO let your date order any dish they choose.
DON’T assume your date’s likes and order a raw steak on their behalf. This might offend any vegetarian zombies.

DO sit at a table that has plenty of light.
DON’T sit at a table that is lit by candlelight…zombies do not like fire.

DO tip your waiter. This shows you’re a thoughtful person.
DON’T offer your date the waiter’s fingertip.

General Conversation

DO begin a question with “What is your opinion on…?” This shows that you value their opinion and individuality.
DON’T begin a question with “Why do all zombies…?” This puts your date on the defensive and makes you sound ignorant or sheltered.

DO mention the quirky article that you read in last week’s newspaper.
DON’T mention your date’s obituary that you read in last week’s newspaper.

DO discuss someone admirable like George Washington.
DON’T discuss George Romero.

Ending The Evening

DO offer your hand to hold while walking through the park.
DON’T offer your date’s hand to feral cats in the park.

DO walk your date to the front gate. Offer to help them over any locked fences, if necessary.
DON’T walk your date directly to their grave /mausoleum. It sends the wrong signals.

DO let your zombie know their companionship made for wonderful evening.
DON’T let your zombie know their inability to blink left you with feelings of paranoia.

DON’T draw back in horror if your lipless zombie leans in for a goodnight kiss.
DO remind yourself that you are dating a zombie who by nature is in a dormant state of bodily decomposition.

DON’T call them the next day. Many zombies will interpret your phone call as needy.
DO let the zombie contact you. Due to the lack of phone lines in most graveyards, listen instead for the romantic door-scratching of an interested zombie.

Places to take your ZILF on a Date

August 15, 2009 by  
Filed under Advice & Tips, Dating, Fun Date Ideas

Fun Dates For You and Your ZILF
Emma Balmer

Once you’ve gotten the nerve to ask out a ZILF and they’ve answered, “Naarrghh,” then it is time to decide where to go on a date. Since you and your ZILF are in the getting to know one another phase of your relationship, it’s always best to plan your date around an activity that is innocent and cost-effective but, more importantly, fun.

A Bowling Alley

Bowling is a fun way to show your good-natured competitiveness and physical prowess. It’s a public sport, but the individual lanes provides you and your ZILF the proper one-on-one experience that helps make a date great. *NOTE – Never let your ZILF use a heavy ball when bowling. Loose ligaments, brittle bones and a heavy ball are not a good formula for fun and safety.

Miniature Golf

Not only is a round of miniature golf a wholesome activity, but it is also slow-moving, low-impact and involves terrain that is relatively flat. These are the exact kinds of activities your ZILF was designed for. Stand back and watch, you will be amazed at how your ZILF will excel and shine. *NOTE – If possible, let your ZILF win. This fills them with a level of confidence that you will no doubt find irresistible.

An Amusement Park or Carnival

Rides provide you with the perfect excuse to sit close. If the ride is a “thrill ride”, this gives you the chance to be the brave one onto which your ZILF can hold tightly. When playing a game, try to win a prize. Even if they don’t show it, at first, all ZILFs loved to receive stuffed animals and/or novelty mugs. *NOTE – Despite their being available at every turn, try to avoid too many sweets or greasy foods. Many ZILFs have not eaten in decades and these foods might upset their delicate stomachs (assuming they still have one).


Human or ZILF, young, old or reanimated, everyone loves a picnic. Be sure to bring a blanket that is big enough for both of you to relax on, two or more beverages (always allow choices) and, for food, some picnic staples such as potato salad, seasonal fruits, a baguette, fried chicken or lightly seasoned spareribs (with a ZILF at your side, there will never be any concern about leftover bones, thereby lowering your carbon footprint) *NOTE – Picnics are best when they are one-on-one, so avoid any place where either of you might run into someone you know like your neighborhood park or graveyard.

Throwing a ZILF Party

August 15, 2009 by  
Filed under Advice & Tips, Dating, Party Planning

Throwing A ZILF Party
Emma Balmer

What do you do you feel like you never have enough time to spend with your zombie, but your friends start to complain that you never spend time with them? The answer is simple: host a party.

Sometimes called ‘mixers’, these are the perfect, easy-to-create scenarios that not only gives you a chance to showcase your host/hostess talents, but it also provides a great environment for your two worlds to meet, to interact and, just maybe, make a love connection of their own.

Preparation Is Key

When baking a cake, you need to have all of your flour, vanilla extract, eggs, etc. available before you can proceed. When planning a party, it’s equally important to ensure you have all of the right “ingredients” that remind all attending of the many joys of living.

  1. Arrange your furniture to accommodate your guests.
    By moving chairs and couches into a semi-circle and forcing guests to sit near one another, there is more of a certainty that a given conversation will include lots of attentive ears. Footstools and end tables should be removed so as to protect any fragile zombies who may be prone to comedic pratfalls. There seems to always be at least one!
  2. Stock up on clear beverages.
    For some reason, zombies can be overly sensitive, so avoiding wines, ales and other dark spirits is in everyone’s best interest. Clear beverages will automatically take away the risk of accidental stains caused by general carelessness or leaky stomachs, thereby avoiding any and all guilty tears.
  3. Help set the mood with the right music.
    Slow and lumbering by nature, zombies prefer a tempo they can keep up with. Some zombie favorites include Tex Varney’s The Melodic Sounds of Dripping Water and the Parnell Sisters’ Succession of Classic Doorbell Rings. Or, if you can’t find such selections at your local record store, try making your own mix.
  4. Be sure to provide plenty of snacks.
    No sight is more pathetic than a hungry guest with nothing to eat but ice cubes. For your guests that are living, your best bet is to provide them the variety that comes with a deli platter from your local market. For those of your guests who may be dead, inquire with your butcher about any meat that may have recently turned. To sum up, the best way to avoid grumbling guests is to avoid grumbling tummies.

  5. Have a few “icebreakers” ready…just in case.
    A great way to ease your guests into their comfort zones is to have them take part in a group activity. Games such as word association or trivia are fun, but may isolate some of your zombie guests whose vocabulary and short-term memory are embarrassingly limited. Other games, such as Charades and staring contests, allow all of your guests to participate at more or less equal skill levels.

Avoid Trouble By Planning Ahead

No party, human or zombie, is ever perfect; inevitably something goes wrong you couldn’t have anticipated. It is impossible to predict what and when something does go awry, but a good host/hostess can do some preparation to insure an easy resolution to a few of the more common party blunders.

  1. Have extra clothes on hand.
    Whether they be men or women, no zombie wants to walk into a party only to find another zombie wearing the same shroud.
  2. Place lots of pillows throughout the house.
    Zombies are at so many different levels of decomposition that it is impossible to keep up with who is breakable and who is not. Although you cannot prevent a brittle femur from crumbling, you can ensure that your guest has a soft landing when it does.

  3. Have your dogs spend the night elsewhere.
    This one is a “no brainer,” as they say. Allowing a dog, especially a rambunctious one, anywhere near the exposed bone or gaping wound of any guest is simply a recipe for disaster. Save your guests the embarrassment of having to search the backyard for missing pieces and put Fido up in a nice pet hotel.
  4. Set aside one room as a time out space.
    While it is true that most zombies tend to prefer solitude to socializing with their own kind, you will find the majority polite and friendly toward one another. Since the field of inter-zombie socialization is relatively young, it is best to invite those zombies you’re sure can safely mingle. However, if, at any point, the party is interrupted by sudden growling or unprovoked biting, you will find that a time out room is just the thing to calm moods or repair hurt feelings.