ZILF Facts vs. Myth

August 15, 2009 by  
Filed under Culture, Facts Vs. Myths, Top Stories

MYTH – Zombies are the walking dead spat out by Satan from the bowels of Hell.
FACT – Zombies are human just like the rest of us (except that, at one point, they died), but who have now been reanimated due to apocalyptic circumstances beyond their control. In no means spat out by anyone, reanimated corpses will come from a number of places, including morgues, hospitals and your local graveyard.

MYTH – Zombies want only one thing: to kill and eat our flesh.
FACT – Like all of us, whether that is an omnivore, vegetarian or zombie, our eating habits do not define who we are. And like all of us, zombies merely want to fit in, to be allowed to pursue their interests and become productive members of society.

MYTH – We saw this documentary where zombies attacked a group of humans and then ate them.
FACT – That was actually just a zombloitation film and not something that ever took place in real life. We suggest filmgoers not be so easily swayed by everything they watch.

MYTH – Zombies threaten our livelihoods by taking our jobs at lower wages. FACT – In an attempt to earn their own way through their new life, zombies will of course want to work, mostly menial labor. This is only the beginning, however. The zombie integration into our society will pose exciting new opportunities:

  • zombie re-education managers
  • zombie translators
  • zombie life coaches
  • zombie-centric shops and boutiques
  • zombie lobbyists and rights advocates
  • zombie employment placement
  • …and much, much more.

MYTH – Zombies spread diseases that we’ve never heard of.
FACT – There is no proof of anybody dying from a zombie-related illness. Zombies themselves are incredibly resilient and are immune to most airborne disease and STDs. Additionally, over 99% of reported cases of zombies suffering from leprosy or flesh-eating bacteria have been proven to be gross misdiagnoses.

MYTH – What ZILFage advocates goes against all Christian ideals.
FACT – Many Christians will be among those ZILFs coming back to life. In order for your statement to work, these reanimated Christians will have to go against the love they’ve been taught in order to be completely loathing and prejudicial against their very selves. As they are still God’s children, it is believed that ZILF Christians will know to honor, respect and love themselves. On the flip side, since guilt and hatred of self is strictly a byproduct of Catholicism, most reanimated Catholics will flog themselves often and with great vigor.

MYTH – Relationships between humans and zombies are unnatural and lead to pedophilia, incest, bestiality and polygamy.
FACT – We advocate all healthy relationships between two consenting adults, whether that be gay, straight or reanimated corpse, none of which have ever lead to a decline in America’s moral global supremacy. If it feels good, do it.

MYTH – Zombies are lumbering masses of brainless ghouls.
FACT – Most zombies will be able to swing a hammer, flip a hamburger patty and dance the latest craze. Lacking much of the fluids and organs of humans, zombies can be wonderfully light and therefore be perfect dance partners for competition and performance.

MYTH – Zombies are the living dead.
FACT – Zombies are corpses that have been reanimated to be our peers and equals.

MYTH – Zombies are all slow.
FACT – While its true zombies will never be the Olympic runners you see on television, most are agile enough to keep up with a leisurely paced walker or battery-powered mobility scooter.

MYTH – Zombies smell disgusting.
FACT – Zombies smell differently than you or me, not because of the rotten of the flesh, but from the fact that their glands are openly exposed to the elements. We all smell like this on the inside, but some of us have the luxury of skin tissue, while others do not. Zombie culture does not dictate the use of perfumeries or colognes. Instead, zombies are about the beauty of the natural self. By their very nature, zombies are incredibly earthy.

MYTH – Zombies are most likely to eat our children.
FACT – Cannibals are most likely to eat your children.

Places to take your ZILF on a Date

August 15, 2009 by  
Filed under Advice & Tips, Dating, Fun Date Ideas

Fun Dates For You and Your ZILF
By
Emma Balmer

Once you’ve gotten the nerve to ask out a ZILF and they’ve answered, “Naarrghh,” then it is time to decide where to go on a date. Since you and your ZILF are in the getting to know one another phase of your relationship, it’s always best to plan your date around an activity that is innocent and cost-effective but, more importantly, fun.

A Bowling Alley

Bowling is a fun way to show your good-natured competitiveness and physical prowess. It’s a public sport, but the individual lanes provides you and your ZILF the proper one-on-one experience that helps make a date great. *NOTE – Never let your ZILF use a heavy ball when bowling. Loose ligaments, brittle bones and a heavy ball are not a good formula for fun and safety.

Miniature Golf

Not only is a round of miniature golf a wholesome activity, but it is also slow-moving, low-impact and involves terrain that is relatively flat. These are the exact kinds of activities your ZILF was designed for. Stand back and watch, you will be amazed at how your ZILF will excel and shine. *NOTE – If possible, let your ZILF win. This fills them with a level of confidence that you will no doubt find irresistible.

An Amusement Park or Carnival

Rides provide you with the perfect excuse to sit close. If the ride is a “thrill ride”, this gives you the chance to be the brave one onto which your ZILF can hold tightly. When playing a game, try to win a prize. Even if they don’t show it, at first, all ZILFs loved to receive stuffed animals and/or novelty mugs. *NOTE – Despite their being available at every turn, try to avoid too many sweets or greasy foods. Many ZILFs have not eaten in decades and these foods might upset their delicate stomachs (assuming they still have one).

Picnic

Human or ZILF, young, old or reanimated, everyone loves a picnic. Be sure to bring a blanket that is big enough for both of you to relax on, two or more beverages (always allow choices) and, for food, some picnic staples such as potato salad, seasonal fruits, a baguette, fried chicken or lightly seasoned spareribs (with a ZILF at your side, there will never be any concern about leftover bones, thereby lowering your carbon footprint) *NOTE – Picnics are best when they are one-on-one, so avoid any place where either of you might run into someone you know like your neighborhood park or graveyard.

Throwing a ZILF Party

August 15, 2009 by  
Filed under Advice & Tips, Dating, Party Planning

Throwing A ZILF Party
By
Emma Balmer

What do you do you feel like you never have enough time to spend with your zombie, but your friends start to complain that you never spend time with them? The answer is simple: host a party.

Sometimes called ‘mixers’, these are the perfect, easy-to-create scenarios that not only gives you a chance to showcase your host/hostess talents, but it also provides a great environment for your two worlds to meet, to interact and, just maybe, make a love connection of their own.

Preparation Is Key

When baking a cake, you need to have all of your flour, vanilla extract, eggs, etc. available before you can proceed. When planning a party, it’s equally important to ensure you have all of the right “ingredients” that remind all attending of the many joys of living.

  1. Arrange your furniture to accommodate your guests.
    By moving chairs and couches into a semi-circle and forcing guests to sit near one another, there is more of a certainty that a given conversation will include lots of attentive ears. Footstools and end tables should be removed so as to protect any fragile zombies who may be prone to comedic pratfalls. There seems to always be at least one!
  2. Stock up on clear beverages.
    For some reason, zombies can be overly sensitive, so avoiding wines, ales and other dark spirits is in everyone’s best interest. Clear beverages will automatically take away the risk of accidental stains caused by general carelessness or leaky stomachs, thereby avoiding any and all guilty tears.
  3. Help set the mood with the right music.
    Slow and lumbering by nature, zombies prefer a tempo they can keep up with. Some zombie favorites include Tex Varney’s The Melodic Sounds of Dripping Water and the Parnell Sisters’ Succession of Classic Doorbell Rings. Or, if you can’t find such selections at your local record store, try making your own mix.
  4. Be sure to provide plenty of snacks.
    No sight is more pathetic than a hungry guest with nothing to eat but ice cubes. For your guests that are living, your best bet is to provide them the variety that comes with a deli platter from your local market. For those of your guests who may be dead, inquire with your butcher about any meat that may have recently turned. To sum up, the best way to avoid grumbling guests is to avoid grumbling tummies.

  5. Have a few “icebreakers” ready…just in case.
    A great way to ease your guests into their comfort zones is to have them take part in a group activity. Games such as word association or trivia are fun, but may isolate some of your zombie guests whose vocabulary and short-term memory are embarrassingly limited. Other games, such as Charades and staring contests, allow all of your guests to participate at more or less equal skill levels.

Avoid Trouble By Planning Ahead

No party, human or zombie, is ever perfect; inevitably something goes wrong you couldn’t have anticipated. It is impossible to predict what and when something does go awry, but a good host/hostess can do some preparation to insure an easy resolution to a few of the more common party blunders.

  1. Have extra clothes on hand.
    Whether they be men or women, no zombie wants to walk into a party only to find another zombie wearing the same shroud.
  2. Place lots of pillows throughout the house.
    Zombies are at so many different levels of decomposition that it is impossible to keep up with who is breakable and who is not. Although you cannot prevent a brittle femur from crumbling, you can ensure that your guest has a soft landing when it does.

  3. Have your dogs spend the night elsewhere.
    This one is a “no brainer,” as they say. Allowing a dog, especially a rambunctious one, anywhere near the exposed bone or gaping wound of any guest is simply a recipe for disaster. Save your guests the embarrassment of having to search the backyard for missing pieces and put Fido up in a nice pet hotel.
  4. Set aside one room as a time out space.
    While it is true that most zombies tend to prefer solitude to socializing with their own kind, you will find the majority polite and friendly toward one another. Since the field of inter-zombie socialization is relatively young, it is best to invite those zombies you’re sure can safely mingle. However, if, at any point, the party is interrupted by sudden growling or unprovoked biting, you will find that a time out room is just the thing to calm moods or repair hurt feelings.