ZILF Dating Do’s and Don’ts
Like job interviews, first dates can be incredibly stressful. There’s a self-imposed pressure to perform well, a need to make that great first impression, not to mention the volumes of unspoken rules. Unspoken rules change with each individual, but there are a several that can be seen as golden rules, ones that everyone should keep in mind. If you are fortunate to find yourself on a first date with an attractive ZILF, here are a few DO’s and DON’Ts that will help make that date the first of many.
DO be relaxed and at ease. Zombies are influenced by the demeanor of others.
DON’T be uncomfortable. Zombies can sense fear and are prone to rampage.
DO dress up like you’re coming home from your high-paying, executive job.
DON’T dress as though you’re coming home from your job at the slaughterhouse.
DO compliment your date on his/her appearance and choice of attire.
DON’T bring attention to the fact that they are still wearing the clothes they were buried in.
At A Restaurant
DO tempt your date by showing off your knowledge of regional dishes.
DON’T tempt your date by showing off your recent MRI.
DO suggest one of your favorite dishes.
DON’T suggest they try the all-you-can eat entrails bar.
DO let your date order any dish they choose.
DON’T assume your date’s likes and order a raw steak on their behalf. This might offend any vegetarian zombies.
DO sit at a table that has plenty of light.
DON’T sit at a table that is lit by candlelight…zombies do not like fire.
DO tip your waiter. This shows you’re a thoughtful person.
DON’T offer your date the waiter’s fingertip.
DO begin a question with “What is your opinion on…?” This shows that you value their opinion and individuality.
DON’T begin a question with “Why do all zombies…?” This puts your date on the defensive and makes you sound ignorant or sheltered.
DO mention the quirky article that you read in last week’s newspaper.
DON’T mention your date’s obituary that you read in last week’s newspaper.
DO discuss someone admirable like George Washington.
DON’T discuss George Romero.
Ending The Evening
DO offer your hand to hold while walking through the park.
DON’T offer your date’s hand to feral cats in the park.
DO walk your date to the front gate. Offer to help them over any locked fences, if necessary.
DON’T walk your date directly to their grave /mausoleum. It sends the wrong signals.
DO let your zombie know their companionship made for wonderful evening.
DON’T let your zombie know their inability to blink left you with feelings of paranoia.
DON’T draw back in horror if your lipless zombie leans in for a goodnight kiss.
DO remind yourself that you are dating a zombie who by nature is in a dormant state of bodily decomposition.
DON’T call them the next day. Many zombies will interpret your phone call as needy.
DO let the zombie contact you. Due to the lack of phone lines in most graveyards, listen instead for the romantic door-scratching of an interested zombie.