By JESSE SLATE, Zombie Associated Press Writer – Mon Oct 5, 11:12 am ET
TALLAHASSEE, Florida — Tempers are growing on both sides of the latest setback for zombie / living relationships, as various groups are vying for official ownership of the term "ZILF."
The notorious acronym, a variation of the term MILF (Mom I’d Like to — followed by the obscene ‘F’ word), is under fire recently as zombie lovers have claimed the term for themselves, in an apparent coup d’etat against the previous owners of the ZILF mantle.
"It’s awful," said Bree Pendergast, outside the ZILF headquarters in downtown Tallahassee, FL. "I honestly can’t think of a worse group of lowlifes to represent the Zeds." She turned to gesture to the people standing behind her, each wearing some combination of stripes and lingerie. "We like f****** zebras, and they like to f*** us. We can’t make it any more black and white than that."
"Zombies are not people," said another member of ZILFs for the World. "They gave up the right to have this name when they died. End of story." The man stepped back into the headquarters / stable and closed the door behind him.
ZAP – Deputy Hendricks leads an injured Zebra from the
Z.I.L.F. Compound in downtown Tallahassee, FL
Zombie enthusiasts have come out in large, shuffling hordes to protest this unified declaration against their group. "UrrrrRGrrrr," sounded one corpse, gesticulating to the sky and striking his neighbor repeatedly. "RRRRrrr…"
Similar responses from the live half of the zombie crowd were directed at the Zebra lovers, as well as other ZILF groups who have also come out against the undead association. "Look, we’re tired of the Zebra, Zoologist, Zander, Zopilotes and Zamboni lovers trying to push out what is obviously the largest ZILF group. We have the entire dead population behind us, and they still want to restrict the term to striped asses from Africa…"
The Zebra Zilfs interrupted by pushing towards the speaker, screaming with rage. "They are Unicorns!" shouted Ms. Pendergast, tears rolling down her cheeks. "They are beautiful, hornless Unicorns!"
Emotions are unlikely to die down after today’s announcement that the ZILF headquarters in the Florida town is being closed by the SPCA for ungulate abuse. The zebras were led away to the nearby metro zoo, looking tired and somehow relieved.
"This is crazy," said a bystander, witnessing the protest signs and shouting matches. "I haven’t seen this kind of uproar since the GILF battles in 2006; you had all these Grandparents and Goats running wild in the streets." He shook his head and gazed soberly at the police cars just arriving on the scene. "I don’t think the city can take another year of this."
As anticipation grows for the day when all can and will be loved, it is easy to lose track of a large portion of the population who, for whatever reasons, are childless for reasons beyond their control.
Be it a matter of reproductive health, accident, or economic hardship, it is a difficult road to travel when you see other families walking through the park with their strollers and bags of handiwipes and cheerios snacks. Happy, gurgling babies fill their parent’s lives with happiness while you watch in despair.
Despair no longer. For it is a known fact that zombiism can affect all humans, be they adult, child, or newborn. Because of this, you can have something the others cannot: an eternal baby.
Think about your child growing up, learning to walk, tearing down your new curtains, spilling juice on your white carpet. As a teenager, they would steal your car to go joyriding, or worse. These are inevitable times for all parents. Except you and your zaby: You’ll be swaddling your rotting bundle of joy for years to come.
But the question is: Where to find the right Zaby?
Many bereaved parents of lost infants prefer to bury their child near other children, as a way for parents to greet each other and feel comfort in the presence of other bereaved parents. This touching and effective method has an unexpected benefit for those searching for their new bundles of joy: this cuts down on search time as there will be many zabies to choose from within a few feet of each other, a veritable buffet of unconditional love.
After you have rescued an infant to your liking, be sure to have the swaddling blanket available immediately to keep the squawking, slowly struggling un-baby from damaging itself. It is highly recommended that you not wash the body with water, but softly stroke the dirt away over a few weeks’ time, after which, a healthy layer of scotch guard is a valuable addition to any ensemble.
Carefully place the child in a basket, valise or dufflebag, and once you have safely left the cemetery grounds, drive home to your new life with your eternal zaby.
Of course, nature is what it is, and nothing is eternal, especially flesh that has already begun the process of rot. For that reason we recommend you gather a few more unbabies whilst at the cemetery, for future use. 2 or 3 should suffice for several years of enjoyment, keeping them fresh in a meat locker or large freezer until their predecessor sloughs off its mortal coil for good. (NOTE: We do not condone hoarding, and while it might seem a good idea at the time, keeping 12 or more undead babies is an extremely greedy and unseemly act, and should be avoided / reported at all costs.)
As you begin your new life with the newly un-lifed, don’t hesitate to bring your child out to the park, to proudly show how your love knows no bounds or ‘morality’ or ‘taste’. But be sure to do it at a park far away from the cemetery — meeting the biological parents of your new zaby can lead to uncomfortable situations.
By CASPIAN M. NADIR, Zombie Associated Press Writer – Sun Oct 4, 4:22 pm ET
NEW YORK, New York — Scientists today announced a revolutionary breakthrough in medications for sufferers of unique forms of impotency.
Pfizer, inc. released this press statement:
"At Pfizer, we are in the business of helping people, no matter which walk of life, or staggering lurch of unlife, they happen to be from.
"Therefore, we are very excited by the introduction of the newest member to join the sildenafil family of virility enhancement medicine: romerol, which will be known to consumers as Rezerex™."
ZAP – Press Mock-up of the new packaging for the new
male enhancement medication Rezerex™
Rezerex™, Pfizer says, provides instant relief to those suffering from impotency related to suffocating dread, horror or outright disgust.
Intended for the ‘live’ male partners in the relationship, Rezerex™ makes use of a new formula that inhibits feelings of horror while increasing bloodflow to the male member, overcoming one of the largest hurdles in human-undead couplings.
"I’m amazed at its effectiveness," said Gerry McSimmons of Goshen, Indiana. "I was worried that I would not be able to overlook my zombie bride’s disability." He patted the exposed kneecap of his paramour, Sylvia, who was rescued from Our Lady of the Eternal Peace last May. "It’s been a trying time, as our relationship grew, to know how to get to the next step, and if that happened, how I would be able to rise to the occasion."
"Or not throw up." Gerry added.
"Rezerex™ takes care of both," said a Pfizer representative, responding to Gerry’s story. "Mr. McSimmons no longer has to fear the awkward moment after the clothes and loose skin come off. Now Dinner and a movie no longer ends as the credits roll, but when the glow of post-coitus begins."
The representative closed by adding with a big smile, "snuggling is optional."
Editor’s Note: Pfizer is actively working on a female equivalent, a two-part drug which would calm the ‘live’ female while bolstering the power of the undead phallus. Current designs come in the form of a pill and a splint.
By CASPIAN M. NADIR, Zombie Associated Press Writer – Mon Oct 5, 12:22 pm ET
Washington, D.C.– Several dozen parolees and released convicts, sharing the crimes of pedophilia, incest or rape, took the steps of Congress Tuesday to make the timely vow to ‘Stay away from undead children’, in light of the past week’s announcement that Zombies might have begun to rise from their graves.
ZAP – P.R.A.T. spokesman C. Michael Redfern is overcome
with emotion after vowing to not molest Zombie children.
"We know that we’re not perfect," said C. Michael Redfern, leader of the national group P.R.A.T. (Pedophile Recovery and Training). "But we can all at least agree on one thing: Alive or un-Alive, children should be off-limits."
Then, putting his hand over the mic: "What’s the point? They’re pretty gross."
An excited cheer rose from the men surrounding him on the marble stairway, some holding signs declaring "Hands Off Shirley Temple" and "American Velvet Forever". When reminded that both Shirley Temple Black and Elizabeth Taylor were currently adults, and alive, the sign holders consulted with each other and quietly lowered them, muttering. "Like I keep track of that sort of thing," said one, moving to the rear of the crowd.
Redfern continued his speech, at one time holding up a large simulated Declaration of Independence, with signatures, scribbles and handprints from many of the nation’s most notorious child rapists, including Juan Nazario, David Thorstad, and Former Congressman Mark Foley. "I hold here the Declaration of Our Independence," Redfern intoned, "that no Zombie children will be touching me or anyone else on this list anytime in the future."
"No!" agreed the crown, heartily, nodding their heads in exaggerated bobs. Some were visibly sweating in the cold January weather.
After the group broke up for a post-announcement party at Chuck E. Cheese (for some of them), we managed to speak to one of the silent members of the group, Joseph Smith Jr.
"I’m all for freedom of choice," he said, fondling his large, bushy beard. "But there are some things that people just shouldn’t – and Wouldn’t – do." He shuddered, pulling his trenchcoat tighter around his shoulders. "Man, that’s just creepy."
We at ZILF realize that we are among a small (but ever-growing and unarguably more progressive) school of thought in regards to what many refer to as the Zombie Apocalypse. It is commonly perceived as a big scary time when humanity will have to fight for its very survival…yadda yadda yadda. Sorry to all of you Pessimistic Pete’s out there, but some of us tend to look at the brighter side of things. We like to think of our "zombie apocalypse" not as empty of hope, but as full…of love. If you’re unsure of your own thoughts about zombies, we offer the following quiz to help you get a handle on what your views may very well be.
1. You’ll know the apocalypse is beginning when…
A) the living dead rise and begin to devour your loved ones
B) you see the reanimated embracing their former loved ones
2. When you see a zombie coming toward you, you should…
A) run for the nearest shelter and barricade yourself inside
B) check your hair and think of a clever introduction
3. Your biggest foe will be…
4. Your best weapons are…
A) guns, clubs, whatever is handy
B) open arms, an open mind and education
5. Zombies only want one thing and that is…
A) to kill you and eat your flesh
B) to be loved and accepted
6. If a zombie enters your home, you should…
A) keep shooting, until you’re out of ammo
B) make pleasant conversation, until you’re out of topics
7. If you see a zombie staggering around your neighborhood, you should…
A) call the local militia to kick some zombie ass
B) call the local French restaurant to reserve a table for two
8. If a zombie bites you, you should…
A) panic because it means you’ll become a zombie, too
B) proudly show off your zicky to your friends
9. A zombie on the rampage can only be stopped by…
A) a bullet directly to the brain
B) offering a sympathetic ear
10. A zombie is…
A) the ultimate evil
B) a friend you haven’t met
If you answered A to any or all of the preceding, you are a product of the media and have been brainwashed by the fiction that masks itself as entertainment. However, if you answered B, you are open-minded and are not afraid just because something is new or different.
So, how did you fare?