Citations and Proof of Coming Zombie Apocalypse

October 8, 2010 by  
Filed under Citations and Proof, Culture, Top Stories

The dead rising from their grave is not merely some Hollywood plot concocted by filmmakers with small budgets, nor is it a boastful claim used by voodoo priestesses during Bayou ceremonies. No, the dead rising has been prophesized for as long as the written word has existed. The following are cited as examples.

1. The Bible

When most people think of the Christian bible, they don’t think of fear mongering, an irrationally vengeful God or reasons why sex is a bi-product of Satan. Yet, within these pages of loving thy neighbor and selling thy daughter are two telling passages:

Isaiah 26:19
“Thy dead men shall live, together with my dead body shall they arise. Awake and sing, ye that dwell in dust: for thy dew is as the dew of herbs, and the earth shall cast out the dead.”

Revelation 20:13
“The sea gave up the dead that were in it, and Death and Hades gave up the dead that were in them, and each person was judged according to what he had done.”

Chilling, isn’t it? There is not a single person who can disprove these hardened, scientifically viable claims.

2. Nostradamus

I don’t think anyone can dispute the eerie accuracy by which this man has predicted the history of the world. Like his contemporaries on Fox News, Nostradamus predicts the end of all things good and decent and he has not been wrong yet. That said, we offer the following:

Century 10 verse 74
The year of the great seventh number accomplished
It will appear at the time of the games of slaughter
Not far from the age of the great millennium
When the dead will come out of their graves.

This is the man that accurately predicted all three anti-Christs: Napoleon, Hitler and, of course, President Obama. From his predictions regarding sporting event outcomes to his uncanny ability to predict marketable fast food trends, no one can deny Nostradamus has been correct about it all.

3. Man In Top Hat At Corner Near Liquor Store

Most of us disregard what they say as “ramblings of a crazy person” or the “prattling on induced by a six year crank high”, but, in doing so, are we doing ourselves more harm than good? How many movies have we seen where someone goes in time to warn others and they are ignored by those they are trying to save? Those doomed masses on-screen that we shake our heads at and judge for being so narrow-minded are no more ignorant and rigid than we are in real life. So, when Top Hat man says to us in his, “I’ve seen the future, they’re comin’. Them zombies is comin’ fer ya,” now we listen, now we try to understand. Isn’t it possible, nee incredibly likely, that one of these so-called life’s discarded are in fact just as sane as you or me? The answer lies in the following question:

Q: If you were to travel back in time to warn others of the zombie apocalypse, what would you wear?

A: Naturally, as any sane individual would, you’d don a top hat. If you’re going to save the world, you’d want do it with some class, right?

Zombie to English Basics

October 6, 2010 by  
Filed under Culture, Zombie To English Dictionary

Concept of time having passed, discombobulation, sensitivity to sun and fluorescent light, no sense of direction, these are just a few of the problems facing any reanimated corpse. So, why add the frustration of a language barrier to their already existing obstacles? We ZILFers are here to provide you with the basic communication skills to ensure that you will be a functioning participant in the apocalypse. We hope that you find the zombie dictionary of valuable use in the days ahead.

Basics

Naarrgghh Hello
Naaarrgghh My name is….
Narrggh Thank you
Naarrgghhh Pardon me
Narggharrah Food
Narggggggh Lovely evening/afternoon
Narghh? What year is this?

Common Zombie Terms and Phraseology

Naarrgghh-gggh Please, do not be afraid. I mean you no harm.
Narggaghh-arr-Naarrrghhh? I am a stranger in these parts. Might you direct me to the nearest interstate or public road?
Narghh? Naarghah What is that rotten smell? Oh, it is me. I must apologize.
Naarrgghh-nargh-naarghhh-naaarg Despite not having a working digestive tract, I am surprisingly famished.
Naarrgghh-nar-naarg I find you very appetizing. Sorry, I meant appealing.
Narrghaaghha This hole in my head makes everything sound like a wind tunnel.
Naaarrghhh? Naarg Has anyone seen an eyeball? No, it’s a blue one.
*sigh* Narrghhar *sigh* These tattered clothes will be the death of me yet.
Naaaaaargh I’m dying for a cigarette, but I have an inherent fear of fire.
Naarghh-nar-narrg-naaaaargh-naraaag I was lumbering by and paused a moment to pet your dog. I’m wondering if you could convince the little scamp to return my left arm.
…Narrggggh-nargg- …And so the second zombie says, ‘That rotting flesh is your wife!’ Gee, I sure do enjoy that joke.
Naaarghhh? Narrg! Wait, sushi is just raw fish? That’s disgusting!

Phrases For Dating

Nnnnarrrrghhh The dirt from the cemetery really brings out your eyes.
Narghh-ghh-narg… You look good enough to eat. Not literally, of course. Well, actually…
Naaaarrgghh-nnnar There was a time when champagne used to go to my head, but now it just drips onto the floor.
Naarggh? Naarh Do you mind paying? I was buried without a wallet/purse.
Nargh-narrrrrg I would like very much to kiss you, but I only have one lip.
Naaarrrrrg…narghhh Before we go any further, I should tell you…I have earth worms.