Your Zaby – A Delicate Matter
As anticipation grows for the day when all can and will be loved, it is easy to lose track of a large portion of the population who, for whatever reasons, are childless for reasons beyond their control.
Be it a matter of reproductive health, accident, or economic hardship, it is a difficult road to travel when you see other families walking through the park with their strollers and bags of handiwipes and cheerios snacks. Happy, gurgling babies fill their parent’s lives with happiness while you watch in despair.
Despair no longer. For it is a known fact that zombiism can affect all humans, be they adult, child, or newborn. Because of this, you can have something the others cannot: an eternal baby.
Think about your child growing up, learning to walk, tearing down your new curtains, spilling juice on your white carpet. As a teenager, they would steal your car to go joyriding, or worse. These are inevitable times for all parents. Except you and your zaby: You’ll be swaddling your rotting bundle of joy for years to come.
But the question is: Where to find the right Zaby?
Many bereaved parents of lost infants prefer to bury their child near other children, as a way for parents to greet each other and feel comfort in the presence of other bereaved parents. This touching and effective method has an unexpected benefit for those searching for their new bundles of joy: this cuts down on search time as there will be many zabies to choose from within a few feet of each other, a veritable buffet of unconditional love.
After you have rescued an infant to your liking, be sure to have the swaddling blanket available immediately to keep the squawking, slowly struggling un-baby from damaging itself. It is highly recommended that you not wash the body with water, but softly stroke the dirt away over a few weeks’ time, after which, a healthy layer of scotch guard is a valuable addition to any ensemble.
Carefully place the child in a basket, valise or dufflebag, and once you have safely left the cemetery grounds, drive home to your new life with your eternal zaby.
Of course, nature is what it is, and nothing is eternal, especially flesh that has already begun the process of rot. For that reason we recommend you gather a few more unbabies whilst at the cemetery, for future use. 2 or 3 should suffice for several years of enjoyment, keeping them fresh in a meat locker or large freezer until their predecessor sloughs off its mortal coil for good. (NOTE: We do not condone hoarding, and while it might seem a good idea at the time, keeping 12 or more undead babies is an extremely greedy and unseemly act, and should be avoided / reported at all costs.)
As you begin your new life with the newly un-lifed, don’t hesitate to bring your child out to the park, to proudly show how your love knows no bounds or ‘morality’ or ‘taste’. But be sure to do it at a park far away from the cemetery — meeting the biological parents of your new zaby can lead to uncomfortable situations.