Zebra, Zamboni lovers join growing movement to ban Zombie lovers from “Zilf” crowd.
By JESSE SLATE, Zombie Associated Press Writer – Mon Oct 5, 11:12 am ET
TALLAHASSEE, Florida — Tempers are growing on both sides of the latest setback for zombie / living relationships, as various groups are vying for official ownership of the term "ZILF."
The notorious acronym, a variation of the term MILF (Mom I’d Like to — followed by the obscene ‘F’ word), is under fire recently as zombie lovers have claimed the term for themselves, in an apparent coup d’etat against the previous owners of the ZILF mantle.
"It’s awful," said Bree Pendergast, outside the ZILF headquarters in downtown Tallahassee, FL. "I honestly can’t think of a worse group of lowlifes to represent the Zeds." She turned to gesture to the people standing behind her, each wearing some combination of stripes and lingerie. "We like f****** zebras, and they like to f*** us. We can’t make it any more black and white than that."
"Zombies are not people," said another member of ZILFs for the World. "They gave up the right to have this name when they died. End of story." The man stepped back into the headquarters / stable and closed the door behind him.
ZAP – Deputy Hendricks leads an injured Zebra from the
Z.I.L.F. Compound in downtown Tallahassee, FL
Zombie enthusiasts have come out in large, shuffling hordes to protest this unified declaration against their group. "UrrrrRGrrrr," sounded one corpse, gesticulating to the sky and striking his neighbor repeatedly. "RRRRrrr…"
Similar responses from the live half of the zombie crowd were directed at the Zebra lovers, as well as other ZILF groups who have also come out against the undead association. "Look, we’re tired of the Zebra, Zoologist, Zander, Zopilotes and Zamboni lovers trying to push out what is obviously the largest ZILF group. We have the entire dead population behind us, and they still want to restrict the term to striped asses from Africa…"
The Zebra Zilfs interrupted by pushing towards the speaker, screaming with rage. "They are Unicorns!" shouted Ms. Pendergast, tears rolling down her cheeks. "They are beautiful, hornless Unicorns!"
Emotions are unlikely to die down after today’s announcement that the ZILF headquarters in the Florida town is being closed by the SPCA for ungulate abuse. The zebras were led away to the nearby metro zoo, looking tired and somehow relieved.
"This is crazy," said a bystander, witnessing the protest signs and shouting matches. "I haven’t seen this kind of uproar since the GILF battles in 2006; you had all these Grandparents and Goats running wild in the streets." He shook his head and gazed soberly at the police cars just arriving on the scene. "I don’t think the city can take another year of this."