ZILFage Mission Statement

It was while stacking water purifying tablets and dried goods beside a shelf of DVD’s (a library stockpiled in order to wait out the zombie apocalypse) that we came to the astonishing realization: some of our favorite celebrities will be among those rising from the dead and that these reanimated sex symbols would definitely be some serious ZILFs.

By fortifying our impenetrable bunker, we were denying ourselves the thrill of meeting not only famous men of the silver screen, but their sexy female counterparts.

Why were we hiding? What were we afraid off?

An even bigger question was why were we afraid?

As a result of Hollywood’s preference for violence over romance, zombie films have been relegated to the genre of campy, ultra-violent horror. If you look at these “films,” you will see common themes of cannibalism, a select few fighting against overwhelming and devouring odds, mindless hordes looking to overpower their living counterparts, etc. Does this sound familiar? Does this sound cliché? Yes, and here’s why: Thanks to studio executives looking to make a fast buck, zombies are portrayed as a threatening menace–an infestation on par with locusts, snakes and Irish immigrants–something that can only be dealt with via extreme tactics, something that requires a senselessly brutal retaliation.

To us, this is complete nonsense. There has never been shred of evidence of any zombie rising from the dead and eating human flesh. ABSOLUTELY ZERO. This is merely the fictional bi-product of George Romero and other zombie pornographers who would want us to believe that zombies are evil and scary. Reasonable people would then ask the question, “Why?”

The reason is simple: money. The scarier the scenario they present, the more contemporary and relevant they try to make the plot, the more tickets they will sell to their exploitation screenings. So, not only are they taking your money, they are also taking away your right to decide for yourself whether zombies are something to be hacked…or to be hugged.

Granted, we all realize that the dead rising is not a matter of If, but more a matter of When. It is an inevitability that all ZILF lovers have embraced, a fate that we can look forward to with an open mind and open arms—a happy future of corpses climbing out of our churchyards and into our little black books.

Angus Crawley – Co-Founder

PhD. World Folklore, Occult Sciences. Former professor at Healdsburg College (disbarred), science lecturer (contract nullified), monthly subscriber to TCM and AMC (current).

As the son of the late Leslie Crawley, renowned researcher and author of 1937’s Truth Behind Haitian Voodoo: The Case Of Felicia Felix-Mentor, it came as no surprise that Angus took the path he did. Quickly gaining respect as the leading authority in folklore and the occult, he was offered a professorship at the now bankrupt Healdsburg College. After years of academic adoration, Angus found himself the center of a false controversy when his attempt at reanimating the school’s recently deceased mascot Darwin, the pot bellied pig, was interrupted by campus police. Under unreasonable pressure from faculty members, community leaders and lobbyists from URPHAT (United Representatives of Pig Harvesters and American Teamsters), Angus found himself alone in the world and his beliefs shunned.

From that time on, Angus was (perhaps unfairly) referred to as ‘Creepy’ Crawley.

Today, Angus Crawley is still considered by dozens as the leading authority in his field. He is open to providing the media interviews and hopes to lecture at celebrity fan clubs, convention panels and birthday events. Eventually, he hopes to meet Marilyn Monroe and Conrad Bain.

Mortimer “Morty” Corman – Co-Founder

Apocalypse enthusiast, urban survivalist, cable television host (retired)

Remembered by some as the beloved host of cable channel 35A’s Sgt. Dinky’s Cartoon Barrage, Morty retired from the public spotlight after only four years. Officially, the network claimed the host had suffered from fatigue brought on by tight deadlines and an endless barrage of hilarious cartoons. Unofficially, however… While on hiatus, Morty had spent several amphetamine-fueled days of increasing paranoia in Branson, Missouri. One fateful Tuesday evening, unable to locate his pants (a dress code was enforced at the Surf n Turf buffet), Morty was forced to watch a zombie super movie marathon. After 36 hours, he knew he had to learn one thing: how to survive the apocalypse.

Years would pass before Morty realized that his crackpot views were merely bi-products of Hollywood fear mongering.

Today, Morty Corman focuses on exposing the zombie lies of Hollywood, hoping that, in time, more people will come to recognize the wonderful possibilities the apocalypse holds. What was once his underground survival bunker has now become a velvet-themed bachelor pad to which he hopes to woo deceased starlet Jayne Mansfield.

Emma Balmer – Contributor

Between 1930 and 1961, readers around the country opened their papers to the syndicated column of Emma Balmer. Doling out advice from such themes as ‘Propriety For Today’s Modern Girl’ to ‘Successful Dinner Conversation Through Innocuous Subject Matter’, Emma Balmer influenced generations of successful social interactions and proper dress.

In 1943, Emma Balmer received international attention when she was called upon by her country, at its greatest time of need, to perform an unselfish act. Asked by a top White House aide, Emma planned the menu and set place cards for President Roosevelt’s first annual ‘Dis Sho’ Am Good Southern BBQ and War Bonds Drive’.

In May of 1961, readers and newspaper publishers alike were stunned when Emma retired from the printed word, announcing she had been diagnosed as having only 6 months to live.

As 2009 began, ZILF founders Angus Crawley and Morty Corman were thrilled to discover that Miss Balmer was still alive and living in a care facility in upstate New York. Approached by ZILFage.com to return to the world of advice giving, Emma asked for more butter for her spectacles. Taking that as a yes, Crawley and Corman immediately drew up a contract which Miss Balmer signed by grinding a cracker onto the paper.

Excited by the ideas that ZILFage.com preaches, Miss Balmer is looking forward to getting a shot at reuniting with both John and Lionel Barrymore…at the same time.