Citations and Proof of Coming Zombie Apocalypse

October 8, 2010 by  
Filed under Citations and Proof, Culture, Top Stories

The dead rising from their grave is not merely some Hollywood plot concocted by filmmakers with small budgets, nor is it a boastful claim used by voodoo priestesses during Bayou ceremonies. No, the dead rising has been prophesized for as long as the written word has existed. The following are cited as examples.

1. The Bible

When most people think of the Christian bible, they don’t think of fear mongering, an irrationally vengeful God or reasons why sex is a bi-product of Satan. Yet, within these pages of loving thy neighbor and selling thy daughter are two telling passages:

Isaiah 26:19
“Thy dead men shall live, together with my dead body shall they arise. Awake and sing, ye that dwell in dust: for thy dew is as the dew of herbs, and the earth shall cast out the dead.”

Revelation 20:13
“The sea gave up the dead that were in it, and Death and Hades gave up the dead that were in them, and each person was judged according to what he had done.”

Chilling, isn’t it? There is not a single person who can disprove these hardened, scientifically viable claims.

2. Nostradamus

I don’t think anyone can dispute the eerie accuracy by which this man has predicted the history of the world. Like his contemporaries on Fox News, Nostradamus predicts the end of all things good and decent and he has not been wrong yet. That said, we offer the following:

Century 10 verse 74
The year of the great seventh number accomplished
It will appear at the time of the games of slaughter
Not far from the age of the great millennium
When the dead will come out of their graves.

This is the man that accurately predicted all three anti-Christs: Napoleon, Hitler and, of course, President Obama. From his predictions regarding sporting event outcomes to his uncanny ability to predict marketable fast food trends, no one can deny Nostradamus has been correct about it all.

3. Man In Top Hat At Corner Near Liquor Store

Most of us disregard what they say as “ramblings of a crazy person” or the “prattling on induced by a six year crank high”, but, in doing so, are we doing ourselves more harm than good? How many movies have we seen where someone goes in time to warn others and they are ignored by those they are trying to save? Those doomed masses on-screen that we shake our heads at and judge for being so narrow-minded are no more ignorant and rigid than we are in real life. So, when Top Hat man says to us in his, “I’ve seen the future, they’re comin’. Them zombies is comin’ fer ya,” now we listen, now we try to understand. Isn’t it possible, nee incredibly likely, that one of these so-called life’s discarded are in fact just as sane as you or me? The answer lies in the following question:

Q: If you were to travel back in time to warn others of the zombie apocalypse, what would you wear?

A: Naturally, as any sane individual would, you’d don a top hat. If you’re going to save the world, you’d want do it with some class, right?

Zombie to English Basics

October 6, 2010 by  
Filed under Culture, Zombie To English Dictionary

Concept of time having passed, discombobulation, sensitivity to sun and fluorescent light, no sense of direction, these are just a few of the problems facing any reanimated corpse. So, why add the frustration of a language barrier to their already existing obstacles? We ZILFers are here to provide you with the basic communication skills to ensure that you will be a functioning participant in the apocalypse. We hope that you find the zombie dictionary of valuable use in the days ahead.

Basics

Naarrgghh Hello
Naaarrgghh My name is….
Narrggh Thank you
Naarrgghhh Pardon me
Narggharrah Food
Narggggggh Lovely evening/afternoon
Narghh? What year is this?

Common Zombie Terms and Phraseology

Naarrgghh-gggh Please, do not be afraid. I mean you no harm.
Narggaghh-arr-Naarrrghhh? I am a stranger in these parts. Might you direct me to the nearest interstate or public road?
Narghh? Naarghah What is that rotten smell? Oh, it is me. I must apologize.
Naarrgghh-nargh-naarghhh-naaarg Despite not having a working digestive tract, I am surprisingly famished.
Naarrgghh-nar-naarg I find you very appetizing. Sorry, I meant appealing.
Narrghaaghha This hole in my head makes everything sound like a wind tunnel.
Naaarrghhh? Naarg Has anyone seen an eyeball? No, it’s a blue one.
*sigh* Narrghhar *sigh* These tattered clothes will be the death of me yet.
Naaaaaargh I’m dying for a cigarette, but I have an inherent fear of fire.
Naarghh-nar-narrg-naaaaargh-naraaag I was lumbering by and paused a moment to pet your dog. I’m wondering if you could convince the little scamp to return my left arm.
…Narrggggh-nargg- …And so the second zombie says, ‘That rotting flesh is your wife!’ Gee, I sure do enjoy that joke.
Naaarghhh? Narrg! Wait, sushi is just raw fish? That’s disgusting!

Phrases For Dating

Nnnnarrrrghhh The dirt from the cemetery really brings out your eyes.
Narghh-ghh-narg… You look good enough to eat. Not literally, of course. Well, actually…
Naaaarrgghh-nnnar There was a time when champagne used to go to my head, but now it just drips onto the floor.
Naarggh? Naarh Do you mind paying? I was buried without a wallet/purse.
Nargh-narrrrrg I would like very much to kiss you, but I only have one lip.
Naaarrrrrg…narghhh Before we go any further, I should tell you…I have earth worms.

Embrace Your Rotting Brethren

February 25, 2010 by  
Filed under Product Announcements

Ferd missed Woodstock, even though he hadn’t even been born when it happened. 40 years later, Ferd was prone to wearing tie-dyed t-shirts, bell-bottom pants and unmatched sandals to the college library where he worked as a book re-shelver. His iPod was full of peace, love, and the rock of the time; it was his only companion these days, and he would lose himself for hours in the dusty stacks, disillusioned by the me-me-me generation that surrounded him. Nobody cared about others anymore, it seemed. Ferd wanted to care, but couldn’t bring himself to apply it to the selfish hordes of today’s society.

It all became clear when the first one of ‘them’ shambled through the metal detectors at the entrance of the library. The response was immediate and appalling, ending with a shotgun blast and thunderous applause. “Wait, all of you!” he shouted, silencing the strangely eclectic crowd of onlookers. “How can you celebrate the death, the RE-death of this person?” he said, his voice gaining strength, delivering a moving soliloquy on the value of all life, be it natural or UN. Tears were not rare in that crowd, and many came to stand by Ferd’s side as he finished, “Who among us would want the same treatment, if that were you? Or your mother?” Silence answered him, and a pair of young pre-med students soberly began reconstructing the shotgunned victim’s head. Alas, they failed like all the King’s Horses and All the King’s Men, never to put Humpty Dumpty together again.

Today, every single person in the small crowd has become a powerhouse spokesperson in the fight for Zequality, and the fight is far from over. Join the movement and wear our shirts as a clarion call for all the oppressed and disintegrating people in our society, who, while they can moan, have no voice for their needs. Made of 100% pre-shrunk Cotton, our tagless shirts are a valuable accessory to any rally or protest march in the name of our undead brethren.

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Zebra, Zamboni lovers join growing movement to ban Zombie lovers from “Zilf” crowd.

October 6, 2009 by  
Filed under In The News

By JESSE SLATE, Zombie Associated Press Writer – Mon Oct 5, 11:12 am ET

TALLAHASSEE, Florida — Tempers are growing on both sides of the latest setback for zombie / living relationships, as various groups are vying for official ownership of the term "ZILF."

The notorious acronym, a variation of the term MILF (Mom I’d Like to — followed by the obscene ‘F’ word), is under fire recently as zombie lovers have claimed the term for themselves, in an apparent coup d’etat against the previous owners of the ZILF mantle.

"It’s awful," said Bree Pendergast, outside the ZILF headquarters in downtown Tallahassee, FL. "I honestly can’t think of a worse group of lowlifes to represent the Zeds." She turned to gesture to the people standing behind her, each wearing some combination of stripes and lingerie. "We like f****** zebras, and they like to f*** us. We can’t make it any more black and white than that."

"Zombies are not people," said another member of ZILFs for the World. "They gave up the right to have this name when they died. End of story." The man stepped back into the headquarters / stable and closed the door behind him.


ZAP – Deputy Hendricks leads an injured Zebra from the
Z.I.L.F. Compound in downtown Tallahassee, FL

Zombie enthusiasts have come out in large, shuffling hordes to protest this unified declaration against their group. "UrrrrRGrrrr," sounded one corpse, gesticulating to the sky and striking his neighbor repeatedly. "RRRRrrr…"

Similar responses from the live half of the zombie crowd were directed at the Zebra lovers, as well as other ZILF groups who have also come out against the undead association. "Look, we’re tired of the Zebra, Zoologist, Zander, Zopilotes and Zamboni lovers trying to push out what is obviously the largest ZILF group. We have the entire dead population behind us, and they still want to restrict the term to striped asses from Africa…"

The Zebra Zilfs interrupted by pushing towards the speaker, screaming with rage. "They are Unicorns!" shouted Ms. Pendergast, tears rolling down her cheeks. "They are beautiful, hornless Unicorns!"

Emotions are unlikely to die down after today’s announcement that the ZILF headquarters in the Florida town is being closed by the SPCA for ungulate abuse. The zebras were led away to the nearby metro zoo, looking tired and somehow relieved.

"This is crazy," said a bystander, witnessing the protest signs and shouting matches. "I haven’t seen this kind of uproar since the GILF battles in 2006; you had all these Grandparents and Goats running wild in the streets." He shook his head and gazed soberly at the police cars just arriving on the scene. "I don’t think the city can take another year of this."

Your Zaby – A Delicate Matter

October 6, 2009 by  
Filed under Adopting a Zaby, Culture

As anticipation grows for the day when all can and will be loved, it is easy to lose track of a large portion of the population who, for whatever reasons, are childless for reasons beyond their control.

Be it a matter of reproductive health, accident, or economic hardship, it is a difficult road to travel when you see other families walking through the park with their strollers and bags of handiwipes and cheerios snacks. Happy, gurgling babies fill their parent’s lives with happiness while you watch in despair.

Despair no longer. For it is a known fact that zombiism can affect all humans, be they adult, child, or newborn. Because of this, you can have something the others cannot: an eternal baby.

Think about your child growing up, learning to walk, tearing down your new curtains, spilling juice on your white carpet. As a teenager, they would steal your car to go joyriding, or worse. These are inevitable times for all parents. Except you and your zaby: You’ll be swaddling your rotting bundle of joy for years to come.

But the question is: Where to find the right Zaby?

Many bereaved parents of lost infants prefer to bury their child near other children, as a way for parents to greet each other and feel comfort in the presence of other bereaved parents. This touching and effective method has an unexpected benefit for those searching for their new bundles of joy: this cuts down on search time as there will be many zabies to choose from within a few feet of each other, a veritable buffet of unconditional love.

After you have rescued an infant to your liking, be sure to have the swaddling blanket available immediately to keep the squawking, slowly struggling un-baby from damaging itself. It is highly recommended that you not wash the body with water, but softly stroke the dirt away over a few weeks’ time, after which, a healthy layer of scotch guard is a valuable addition to any ensemble.

Carefully place the child in a basket, valise or dufflebag, and once you have safely left the cemetery grounds, drive home to your new life with your eternal zaby.

Of course, nature is what it is, and nothing is eternal, especially flesh that has already begun the process of rot. For that reason we recommend you gather a few more unbabies whilst at the cemetery, for future use. 2 or 3 should suffice for several years of enjoyment, keeping them fresh in a meat locker or large freezer until their predecessor sloughs off its mortal coil for good. (NOTE: We do not condone hoarding, and while it might seem a good idea at the time, keeping 12 or more undead babies is an extremely greedy and unseemly act, and should be avoided / reported at all costs.)

As you begin your new life with the newly un-lifed, don’t hesitate to bring your child out to the park, to proudly show how your love knows no bounds or ‘morality’ or ‘taste’. But be sure to do it at a park far away from the cemetery — meeting the biological parents of your new zaby can lead to uncomfortable situations.

New Male Enhancement Drug Announced for ZILF Lovers

October 6, 2009 by  
Filed under In The News

By CASPIAN M. NADIR, Zombie Associated Press Writer – Sun Oct 4, 4:22 pm ET

NEW YORK, New York — Scientists today announced a revolutionary breakthrough in medications for sufferers of unique forms of impotency.

Pfizer, inc. released this press statement:

"At Pfizer, we are in the business of helping people, no matter which walk of life, or staggering lurch of unlife, they happen to be from.

"Therefore, we are very excited by the introduction of the newest member to join the sildenafil family of virility enhancement medicine: romerol, which will be known to consumers as Rezerex™."


ZAP – Press Mock-up of the new packaging for the new
male enhancement medication Rezerex™

Rezerex™, Pfizer says, provides instant relief to those suffering from impotency related to suffocating dread, horror or outright disgust.

Intended for the ‘live’ male partners in the relationship, Rezerex™ makes use of a new formula that inhibits feelings of horror while increasing bloodflow to the male member, overcoming one of the largest hurdles in human-undead couplings.

"I’m amazed at its effectiveness," said Gerry McSimmons of Goshen, Indiana. "I was worried that I would not be able to overlook my zombie bride’s disability." He patted the exposed kneecap of his paramour, Sylvia, who was rescued from Our Lady of the Eternal Peace last May. "It’s been a trying time, as our relationship grew, to know how to get to the next step, and if that happened, how I would be able to rise to the occasion."

"Or not throw up." Gerry added.

"Rezerex™ takes care of both," said a Pfizer representative, responding to Gerry’s story. "Mr. McSimmons no longer has to fear the awkward moment after the clothes and loose skin come off. Now Dinner and a movie no longer ends as the credits roll, but when the glow of post-coitus begins."

The representative closed by adding with a big smile, "snuggling is optional."

Editor’s Note: Pfizer is actively working on a female equivalent, a two-part drug which would calm the ‘live’ female while bolstering the power of the undead phallus. Current designs come in the form of a pill and a splint.

Convicted Pedophiles vow to stay away from Zombie Children

October 6, 2009 by  
Filed under In The News

By CASPIAN M. NADIR, Zombie Associated Press Writer – Mon Oct 5, 12:22 pm ET

Washington, D.C.– Several dozen parolees and released convicts, sharing the crimes of pedophilia, incest or rape, took the steps of Congress Tuesday to make the timely vow to ‘Stay away from undead children’, in light of the past week’s announcement that Zombies might have begun to rise from their graves.


ZAP – P.R.A.T. spokesman C. Michael Redfern is overcome
with emotion after vowing to not molest Zombie children.

"We know that we’re not perfect," said C. Michael Redfern, leader of the national group P.R.A.T. (Pedophile Recovery and Training). "But we can all at least agree on one thing: Alive or un-Alive, children should be off-limits."

Then, putting his hand over the mic: "What’s the point? They’re pretty gross."

An excited cheer rose from the men surrounding him on the marble stairway, some holding signs declaring "Hands Off Shirley Temple" and "American Velvet Forever". When reminded that both Shirley Temple Black and Elizabeth Taylor were currently adults, and alive, the sign holders consulted with each other and quietly lowered them, muttering. "Like I keep track of that sort of thing," said one, moving to the rear of the crowd.

Redfern continued his speech, at one time holding up a large simulated Declaration of Independence, with signatures, scribbles and handprints from many of the nation’s most notorious child rapists, including Juan Nazario, David Thorstad, and Former Congressman Mark Foley. "I hold here the Declaration of Our Independence," Redfern intoned, "that no Zombie children will be touching me or anyone else on this list anytime in the future."

"No!" agreed the crown, heartily, nodding their heads in exaggerated bobs. Some were visibly sweating in the cold January weather.

After the group broke up for a post-announcement party at Chuck E. Cheese (for some of them), we managed to speak to one of the silent members of the group, Joseph Smith Jr.

"I’m all for freedom of choice," he said, fondling his large, bushy beard. "But there are some things that people just shouldn’t – and Wouldn’t – do." He shuddered, pulling his trenchcoat tighter around his shoulders. "Man, that’s just creepy."

Who Are You: Survivalist or Romantic?

October 5, 2009 by  
Filed under Culture, ZILF Quiz

We at ZILF realize that we are among a small (but ever-growing and unarguably more progressive) school of thought in regards to what many refer to as the Zombie Apocalypse. It is commonly perceived as a big scary time when humanity will have to fight for its very survival…yadda yadda yadda. Sorry to all of you Pessimistic Pete’s out there, but some of us tend to look at the brighter side of things. We like to think of our "zombie apocalypse" not as empty of hope, but as full…of love. If you’re unsure of your own thoughts about zombies, we offer the following quiz to help you get a handle on what your views may very well be.

1. You’ll know the apocalypse is beginning when…
A) the living dead rise and begin to devour your loved ones
B) you see the reanimated embracing their former loved ones

2. When you see a zombie coming toward you, you should…
A) run for the nearest shelter and barricade yourself inside
B) check your hair and think of a clever introduction

3. Your biggest foe will be…
A) zombies!
B) ignorance

4. Your best weapons are…
A) guns, clubs, whatever is handy
B) open arms, an open mind and education

5. Zombies only want one thing and that is…
A) to kill you and eat your flesh
B) to be loved and accepted

6. If a zombie enters your home, you should…
A) keep shooting, until you’re out of ammo
B) make pleasant conversation, until you’re out of topics

7. If you see a zombie staggering around your neighborhood, you should…
A) call the local militia to kick some zombie ass
B) call the local French restaurant to reserve a table for two

8. If a zombie bites you, you should…
A) panic because it means you’ll become a zombie, too
B) proudly show off your zicky to your friends

9. A zombie on the rampage can only be stopped by…
A) a bullet directly to the brain
B) offering a sympathetic ear

10. A zombie is…
A) the ultimate evil
B) a friend you haven’t met

If you answered A to any or all of the preceding, you are a product of the media and have been brainwashed by the fiction that masks itself as entertainment. However, if you answered B, you are open-minded and are not afraid just because something is new or different.

So, how did you fare?

ZILF Dating Do’s and Don’ts

September 11, 2009 by  
Filed under Advice & Tips, Dating, Dating Do's and Don'ts

ZILF Dating Do’s and Don’ts
by
Emma Balmer

Like job interviews, first dates can be incredibly stressful. There’s a self-imposed pressure to perform well, a need to make that great first impression, not to mention the volumes of unspoken rules. Unspoken rules change with each individual, but there are a several that can be seen as golden rules, ones that everyone should keep in mind. If you are fortunate to find yourself on a first date with an attractive ZILF, here are a few DO’s and DON’Ts that will help make that date the first of many.

General Etiquette

DO be relaxed and at ease. Zombies are influenced by the demeanor of others.
DON’T be uncomfortable. Zombies can sense fear and are prone to rampage.

DO dress up like you’re coming home from your high-paying, executive job.
DON’T dress as though you’re coming home from your job at the slaughterhouse.

DO compliment your date on his/her appearance and choice of attire.
DON’T bring attention to the fact that they are still wearing the clothes they were buried in.

At A Restaurant

DO tempt your date by showing off your knowledge of regional dishes.
DON’T tempt your date by showing off your recent MRI.

DO suggest one of your favorite dishes.
DON’T suggest they try the all-you-can eat entrails bar.

DO let your date order any dish they choose.
DON’T assume your date’s likes and order a raw steak on their behalf. This might offend any vegetarian zombies.

DO sit at a table that has plenty of light.
DON’T sit at a table that is lit by candlelight…zombies do not like fire.

DO tip your waiter. This shows you’re a thoughtful person.
DON’T offer your date the waiter’s fingertip.

General Conversation

DO begin a question with “What is your opinion on…?” This shows that you value their opinion and individuality.
DON’T begin a question with “Why do all zombies…?” This puts your date on the defensive and makes you sound ignorant or sheltered.

DO mention the quirky article that you read in last week’s newspaper.
DON’T mention your date’s obituary that you read in last week’s newspaper.

DO discuss someone admirable like George Washington.
DON’T discuss George Romero.

Ending The Evening

DO offer your hand to hold while walking through the park.
DON’T offer your date’s hand to feral cats in the park.

DO walk your date to the front gate. Offer to help them over any locked fences, if necessary.
DON’T walk your date directly to their grave /mausoleum. It sends the wrong signals.

DO let your zombie know their companionship made for wonderful evening.
DON’T let your zombie know their inability to blink left you with feelings of paranoia.

DON’T draw back in horror if your lipless zombie leans in for a goodnight kiss.
DO remind yourself that you are dating a zombie who by nature is in a dormant state of bodily decomposition.

DON’T call them the next day. Many zombies will interpret your phone call as needy.
DO let the zombie contact you. Due to the lack of phone lines in most graveyards, listen instead for the romantic door-scratching of an interested zombie.

ZILF Facts vs. Myth

August 15, 2009 by  
Filed under Culture, Facts Vs. Myths, Top Stories

MYTH – Zombies are the walking dead spat out by Satan from the bowels of Hell.
FACT – Zombies are human just like the rest of us (except that, at one point, they died), but who have now been reanimated due to apocalyptic circumstances beyond their control. In no means spat out by anyone, reanimated corpses will come from a number of places, including morgues, hospitals and your local graveyard.

MYTH – Zombies want only one thing: to kill and eat our flesh.
FACT – Like all of us, whether that is an omnivore, vegetarian or zombie, our eating habits do not define who we are. And like all of us, zombies merely want to fit in, to be allowed to pursue their interests and become productive members of society.

MYTH – We saw this documentary where zombies attacked a group of humans and then ate them.
FACT – That was actually just a zombloitation film and not something that ever took place in real life. We suggest filmgoers not be so easily swayed by everything they watch.

MYTH – Zombies threaten our livelihoods by taking our jobs at lower wages. FACT – In an attempt to earn their own way through their new life, zombies will of course want to work, mostly menial labor. This is only the beginning, however. The zombie integration into our society will pose exciting new opportunities:

  • zombie re-education managers
  • zombie translators
  • zombie life coaches
  • zombie-centric shops and boutiques
  • zombie lobbyists and rights advocates
  • zombie employment placement
  • …and much, much more.

MYTH – Zombies spread diseases that we’ve never heard of.
FACT – There is no proof of anybody dying from a zombie-related illness. Zombies themselves are incredibly resilient and are immune to most airborne disease and STDs. Additionally, over 99% of reported cases of zombies suffering from leprosy or flesh-eating bacteria have been proven to be gross misdiagnoses.

MYTH – What ZILFage advocates goes against all Christian ideals.
FACT – Many Christians will be among those ZILFs coming back to life. In order for your statement to work, these reanimated Christians will have to go against the love they’ve been taught in order to be completely loathing and prejudicial against their very selves. As they are still God’s children, it is believed that ZILF Christians will know to honor, respect and love themselves. On the flip side, since guilt and hatred of self is strictly a byproduct of Catholicism, most reanimated Catholics will flog themselves often and with great vigor.

MYTH – Relationships between humans and zombies are unnatural and lead to pedophilia, incest, bestiality and polygamy.
FACT – We advocate all healthy relationships between two consenting adults, whether that be gay, straight or reanimated corpse, none of which have ever lead to a decline in America’s moral global supremacy. If it feels good, do it.

MYTH – Zombies are lumbering masses of brainless ghouls.
FACT – Most zombies will be able to swing a hammer, flip a hamburger patty and dance the latest craze. Lacking much of the fluids and organs of humans, zombies can be wonderfully light and therefore be perfect dance partners for competition and performance.

MYTH – Zombies are the living dead.
FACT – Zombies are corpses that have been reanimated to be our peers and equals.

MYTH – Zombies are all slow.
FACT – While its true zombies will never be the Olympic runners you see on television, most are agile enough to keep up with a leisurely paced walker or battery-powered mobility scooter.

MYTH – Zombies smell disgusting.
FACT – Zombies smell differently than you or me, not because of the rotten of the flesh, but from the fact that their glands are openly exposed to the elements. We all smell like this on the inside, but some of us have the luxury of skin tissue, while others do not. Zombie culture does not dictate the use of perfumeries or colognes. Instead, zombies are about the beauty of the natural self. By their very nature, zombies are incredibly earthy.

MYTH – Zombies are most likely to eat our children.
FACT – Cannibals are most likely to eat your children.

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