|Concept of time having passed, discombobulation, sensitivity to sun and fluorescent light, no sense of direction, these are just a few of the problems facing any reanimated corpse. So, why add the frustration of a language barrier to their already existing obstacles? We ZILFers are here to provide you with the basic communication skills to ensure that you will be a functioning participant in the apocalypse. We hope that you find the zombie dictionary of valuable use in the days ahead.|
|Naaarrgghh||My name is….|
|Narghh?||What year is this?|
Common Zombie Terms and Phraseology
|Naarrgghh-gggh||Please, do not be afraid. I mean you no harm.|
|Narggaghh-arr-Naarrrghhh?||I am a stranger in these parts. Might you direct me to the nearest interstate or public road?|
|Narghh? Naarghah||What is that rotten smell? Oh, it is me. I must apologize.|
|Naarrgghh-nargh-naarghhh-naaarg||Despite not having a working digestive tract, I am surprisingly famished.|
|Naarrgghh-nar-naarg||I find you very appetizing. Sorry, I meant appealing.|
|Narrghaaghha||This hole in my head makes everything sound like a wind tunnel.|
|Naaarrghhh? Naarg||Has anyone seen an eyeball? No, it’s a blue one.|
|*sigh* Narrghhar||*sigh* These tattered clothes will be the death of me yet.|
|Naaaaaargh||I’m dying for a cigarette, but I have an inherent fear of fire.|
|Naarghh-nar-narrg-naaaaargh-naraaag||I was lumbering by and paused a moment to pet your dog. I’m wondering if you could convince the little scamp to return my left arm.|
|…Narrggggh-nargg-||…And so the second zombie says, ‘That rotting flesh is your wife!’ Gee, I sure do enjoy that joke.|
|Naaarghhh? Narrg!||Wait, sushi is just raw fish? That’s disgusting!|
Phrases For Dating
|Nnnnarrrrghhh||The dirt from the cemetery really brings out your eyes.|
|Narghh-ghh-narg…||You look good enough to eat. Not literally, of course. Well, actually…|
|Naaaarrgghh-nnnar||There was a time when champagne used to go to my head, but now it just drips onto the floor.|
|Naarggh? Naarh||Do you mind paying? I was buried without a wallet/purse.|
|Nargh-narrrrrg||I would like very much to kiss you, but I only have one lip.|
|Naaarrrrrg…narghhh||Before we go any further, I should tell you…I have earth worms.|
MYTH – Zombies are the walking dead spat out by Satan from the bowels of Hell.
FACT – Zombies are human just like the rest of us (except that, at one point, they died), but who have now been reanimated due to apocalyptic circumstances beyond their control. In no means spat out by anyone, reanimated corpses will come from a number of places, including morgues, hospitals and your local graveyard.
MYTH – Zombies want only one thing: to kill and eat our flesh.
FACT – Like all of us, whether that is an omnivore, vegetarian or zombie, our eating habits do not define who we are. And like all of us, zombies merely want to fit in, to be allowed to pursue their interests and become productive members of society.
MYTH – We saw this documentary where zombies attacked a group of humans and then ate them.
FACT – That was actually just a zombloitation film and not something that ever took place in real life. We suggest filmgoers not be so easily swayed by everything they watch.
|MYTH – Zombies threaten our livelihoods by taking our jobs at lower wages. FACT – In an attempt to earn their own way through their new life, zombies will of course want to work, mostly menial labor. This is only the beginning, however. The zombie integration into our society will pose exciting new opportunities:
MYTH – Zombies spread diseases that we’ve never heard of.
FACT – There is no proof of anybody dying from a zombie-related illness. Zombies themselves are incredibly resilient and are immune to most airborne disease and STDs. Additionally, over 99% of reported cases of zombies suffering from leprosy or flesh-eating bacteria have been proven to be gross misdiagnoses.
MYTH – What ZILFage advocates goes against all Christian ideals.
FACT – Many Christians will be among those ZILFs coming back to life. In order for your statement to work, these reanimated Christians will have to go against the love they’ve been taught in order to be completely loathing and prejudicial against their very selves. As they are still God’s children, it is believed that ZILF Christians will know to honor, respect and love themselves. On the flip side, since guilt and hatred of self is strictly a byproduct of Catholicism, most reanimated Catholics will flog themselves often and with great vigor.
MYTH – Relationships between humans and zombies are unnatural and lead to pedophilia, incest, bestiality and polygamy.
FACT – We advocate all healthy relationships between two consenting adults, whether that be gay, straight or reanimated corpse, none of which have ever lead to a decline in America’s moral global supremacy. If it feels good, do it.
MYTH – Zombies are lumbering masses of brainless ghouls.
FACT – Most zombies will be able to swing a hammer, flip a hamburger patty and dance the latest craze. Lacking much of the fluids and organs of humans, zombies can be wonderfully light and therefore be perfect dance partners for competition and performance.
MYTH – Zombies are the living dead.
FACT – Zombies are corpses that have been reanimated to be our peers and equals.
MYTH – Zombies are all slow.
FACT – While its true zombies will never be the Olympic runners you see on television, most are agile enough to keep up with a leisurely paced walker or battery-powered mobility scooter.
MYTH – Zombies smell disgusting.
FACT – Zombies smell differently than you or me, not because of the rotten of the flesh, but from the fact that their glands are openly exposed to the elements. We all smell like this on the inside, but some of us have the luxury of skin tissue, while others do not. Zombie culture does not dictate the use of perfumeries or colognes. Instead, zombies are about the beauty of the natural self. By their very nature, zombies are incredibly earthy.
MYTH – Zombies are most likely to eat our children.
FACT – Cannibals are most likely to eat your children.
Fun Dates For You and Your ZILF
Once you’ve gotten the nerve to ask out a ZILF and they’ve answered, “Naarrghh,” then it is time to decide where to go on a date. Since you and your ZILF are in the getting to know one another phase of your relationship, it’s always best to plan your date around an activity that is innocent and cost-effective but, more importantly, fun.
A Bowling Alley
Bowling is a fun way to show your good-natured competitiveness and physical prowess. It’s a public sport, but the individual lanes provides you and your ZILF the proper one-on-one experience that helps make a date great. *NOTE – Never let your ZILF use a heavy ball when bowling. Loose ligaments, brittle bones and a heavy ball are not a good formula for fun and safety.
|Not only is a round of miniature golf a wholesome activity, but it is also slow-moving, low-impact and involves terrain that is relatively flat. These are the exact kinds of activities your ZILF was designed for. Stand back and watch, you will be amazed at how your ZILF will excel and shine. *NOTE – If possible, let your ZILF win. This fills them with a level of confidence that you will no doubt find irresistible.|
An Amusement Park or Carnival
Rides provide you with the perfect excuse to sit close. If the ride is a “thrill ride”, this gives you the chance to be the brave one onto which your ZILF can hold tightly. When playing a game, try to win a prize. Even if they don’t show it, at first, all ZILFs loved to receive stuffed animals and/or novelty mugs. *NOTE – Despite their being available at every turn, try to avoid too many sweets or greasy foods. Many ZILFs have not eaten in decades and these foods might upset their delicate stomachs (assuming they still have one).
|Human or ZILF, young, old or reanimated, everyone loves a picnic. Be sure to bring a blanket that is big enough for both of you to relax on, two or more beverages (always allow choices) and, for food, some picnic staples such as potato salad, seasonal fruits, a baguette, fried chicken or lightly seasoned spareribs (with a ZILF at your side, there will never be any concern about leftover bones, thereby lowering your carbon footprint) *NOTE – Picnics are best when they are one-on-one, so avoid any place where either of you might run into someone you know like your neighborhood park or graveyard.|