ZILF Dating Do’s and Don’ts

ZILF Dating Do’s and Don’ts
by
Emma Balmer

Like job interviews, first dates can be incredibly stressful. There’s a self-imposed pressure to perform well, a need to make that great first impression, not to mention the volumes of unspoken rules. Unspoken rules change with each individual, but there are a several that can be seen as golden rules, ones that everyone should keep in mind. If you are fortunate to find yourself on a first date with an attractive ZILF, here are a few DO’s and DON’Ts that will help make that date the first of many.

General Etiquette

DO be relaxed and at ease. Zombies are influenced by the demeanor of others.
DON’T be uncomfortable. Zombies can sense fear and are prone to rampage.

DO dress up like you’re coming home from your high-paying, executive job.
DON’T dress as though you’re coming home from your job at the slaughterhouse.

DO compliment your date on his/her appearance and choice of attire.
DON’T bring attention to the fact that they are still wearing the clothes they were buried in.

At A Restaurant

DO tempt your date by showing off your knowledge of regional dishes.
DON’T tempt your date by showing off your recent MRI.

DO suggest one of your favorite dishes.
DON’T suggest they try the all-you-can eat entrails bar.

DO let your date order any dish they choose.
DON’T assume your date’s likes and order a raw steak on their behalf. This might offend any vegetarian zombies.

DO sit at a table that has plenty of light.
DON’T sit at a table that is lit by candlelight…zombies do not like fire.

DO tip your waiter. This shows you’re a thoughtful person.
DON’T offer your date the waiter’s fingertip.

General Conversation

DO begin a question with “What is your opinion on…?” This shows that you value their opinion and individuality.
DON’T begin a question with “Why do all zombies…?” This puts your date on the defensive and makes you sound ignorant or sheltered.

DO mention the quirky article that you read in last week’s newspaper.
DON’T mention your date’s obituary that you read in last week’s newspaper.

DO discuss someone admirable like George Washington.
DON’T discuss George Romero.

Ending The Evening

DO offer your hand to hold while walking through the park.
DON’T offer your date’s hand to feral cats in the park.

DO walk your date to the front gate. Offer to help them over any locked fences, if necessary.
DON’T walk your date directly to their grave /mausoleum. It sends the wrong signals.

DO let your zombie know their companionship made for wonderful evening.
DON’T let your zombie know their inability to blink left you with feelings of paranoia.

DON’T draw back in horror if your lipless zombie leans in for a goodnight kiss.
DO remind yourself that you are dating a zombie who by nature is in a dormant state of bodily decomposition.

DON’T call them the next day. Many zombies will interpret your phone call as needy.
DO let the zombie contact you. Due to the lack of phone lines in most graveyards, listen instead for the romantic door-scratching of an interested zombie.

Places to take your ZILF on a Date

Fun Dates For You and Your ZILF
By
Emma Balmer

Once you’ve gotten the nerve to ask out a ZILF and they’ve answered, “Naarrghh,” then it is time to decide where to go on a date. Since you and your ZILF are in the getting to know one another phase of your relationship, it’s always best to plan your date around an activity that is innocent and cost-effective but, more importantly, fun.

A Bowling Alley

Bowling is a fun way to show your good-natured competitiveness and physical prowess. It’s a public sport, but the individual lanes provides you and your ZILF the proper one-on-one experience that helps make a date great. *NOTE – Never let your ZILF use a heavy ball when bowling. Loose ligaments, brittle bones and a heavy ball are not a good formula for fun and safety.

Miniature Golf

Not only is a round of miniature golf a wholesome activity, but it is also slow-moving, low-impact and involves terrain that is relatively flat. These are the exact kinds of activities your ZILF was designed for. Stand back and watch, you will be amazed at how your ZILF will excel and shine. *NOTE – If possible, let your ZILF win. This fills them with a level of confidence that you will no doubt find irresistible.

An Amusement Park or Carnival

Rides provide you with the perfect excuse to sit close. If the ride is a “thrill ride”, this gives you the chance to be the brave one onto which your ZILF can hold tightly. When playing a game, try to win a prize. Even if they don’t show it, at first, all ZILFs loved to receive stuffed animals and/or novelty mugs. *NOTE – Despite their being available at every turn, try to avoid too many sweets or greasy foods. Many ZILFs have not eaten in decades and these foods might upset their delicate stomachs (assuming they still have one).

Picnic

Human or ZILF, young, old or reanimated, everyone loves a picnic. Be sure to bring a blanket that is big enough for both of you to relax on, two or more beverages (always allow choices) and, for food, some picnic staples such as potato salad, seasonal fruits, a baguette, fried chicken or lightly seasoned spareribs (with a ZILF at your side, there will never be any concern about leftover bones, thereby lowering your carbon footprint) *NOTE – Picnics are best when they are one-on-one, so avoid any place where either of you might run into someone you know like your neighborhood park or graveyard.